Behind the lies.

I gaze into her eyes and I wonder how come we ended up being two strangers, when we used to be so close. She looks at me with a serious expression on her face and after a couple of minutes, in which that awkward silence makes me feel inadequate and small, her features soften and her lips curl into a sweet, shy and sort of sad smile. No, not sad... Knowing. She knows exactly what happened and why, but she's not saying anything, perhaps in an attempt to make me talk about it, when she knows all I want to do is avoid it. I'd run away if I could, but her stare holds me down, despite the smile.

"You haven't been here in a while." She says to me and I lower my head, shameful. She's right, but I don't want to give her that. "Or if you do come around, it's always hurried and hushed, never honest..." She goes on and I have to look her in the eyes now. She's hurting me on purpose, to bring out everything I'm trying to hold back. I bit my lower lip and glance away, letting out a soft sigh, feeling my emotions bubbling up about to spill in a river of undying words, gushing with force. "Maybe I have my reasons." I finally say, looking at her again, matching her smile. She doesn't say anything else, she just stares at me, confident I won't lie to myself anymore.

I see it now... We're the same, me and her. Just because she tries to reason with me and make me understand it's okay to break down every once in a while, it doesn't make us any less different. I pretend she's not there and she pretends I'm not pretending. And she's always there, unforgiving and loving at the same time. It's just a question of which side she wants to show more often.

I blink and then I blink again, the smile growing bigger on my face. "It will be alright, Cristina. You'll be alright, you're strong enough." She says to me and I see our lips moving at the same time, I hear the sound of my voice echoing in the room... And as soon as I nod to that thought, her eyes become soft and silent, like the surface of a tranquil sea. But I know deep down I'll keep lying to myself. It's just that sometimes, I see myself behind all the fake reasons and excuses... Behind all the lies.

Bullshit.

Every once in a while, I'm reminded I'm not made out of stone, no matter how much I wish for it. Whether it is something as innocent as hitting a lamp post face first or getting rejected for the upteenth time. I want to be heartless, just like I appear to be. Perhaps that is exactly why people hurt me so many times, because they're trying to figure me out; trying to see how far they can go until I break down. Newsflash, bitches. I'm already down, you just don't see it. And if I can help it, you won't ever witness that weakness on my behalf.

But just the same. Every once in a while, I'd like it if you'd stop hurting me. I can be nice and sweet and gentle, just as long as you don't hurt me. But you always do, so I guess it'll be just like this, for all eternity. I'm so tired. Tired of everything, yet again. And just to clarify, this is not over a certain someone. This is over the fact that I keep getting the same thing over and over again and I know, I know. It's me, it's all me. But why should I change. Why. It happened when I was different, it happens now. Logical conclusion: no matter if I'm good or bad, brunette or a redhead, short or tall, self-confident or shy... It'll happen over and over again.

Well, you know what?
Fuck you all. All of you, fuck you. Just don't come back complaining I'm a raging bitch. You made me like this. Enjoy.
Might as well choke on it, too. (:

Crucify me.

Ha! I'm so tired. But not in the physical way, and that's a first. I'm emotionally drained and I'm afraid my poker face won't hold for long. Not anymore. I have nine more weeks to go and I wish things would stop changing on me. I feel like everyone is so keen to take the rug from under my feet, they all want me to fall and to fail. And I'm scared it will happen. I really am...

I hate it when people change because of their status. I despise it and I wish you'd all stop doing it. Sometimes it happens so quickly, I stare in amazement and amusement. Other times, like now, it completely leaves me stunned. In a very bad way. But alas, I guess I just need to learn, yet again. Learn that I don't really belong amongst people, not these ones anyway. Or maybe I simply don't belong. Could be.

I also hate fakers. People who like to pretend or lie, and then turn around and do exactly the opposite. And I especially hate it when they do it just to be 'cool'. Fuck you, it's not cool to lie about who you are. Just be yourself and learn to deal with it. But either way, that's not something I can change. I'm just putting that out there, for all eternity. Or you know, until blogspot/blogger dies.

And lastly. It's so much easier for me to be angry, than to admit I'm actually hurt. Sad, broken, hurt, alone. Lonely. And there's really no changing that. Because when I tried, I only made myself vulnerable and people ended up hurting me yet again. I'm so tired of that, too. What is this world I live in... Where people like to hurt others for the pure pleasure of it. I desperately want out, but I'm too big of a coward to take action. And that's another thing I'm scared of. One day, I won't be afraid anymore. Of anything.

I guess... I'm just a scared little girl. And there's no one to help me with that.


Unrelated to this post. I miss you so much, my soul's bleeding. Because you're the only one I really need. And this life is so unfair, it makes my heart ache with despair. My soulmate...

I'm your Judas.

Long time, no blog. And in lights of recent events (which are way too many to put in a blog, so we'll strictly refer to them as life), I think I may have decided to write more. After all, it's what journalists (aspirant ones, too!!) do, right? Exactly.

Let's see.
There's a soft summer breeze blowing around South London. To me, it smells of freedom, yet it carries so many chains that strip me of my very self, it's ridiculous. I'm about to embark on another adventure, in the same city I so cherish and love, but somehow I'm unsure of whether or not I should do it. Yes, it would be infinitely easier to run back home and hide under some random covers. I quite enjoy thinking about that, especially in those days when everything goes wrong and you just can't see the light at the end of the...said day. Or tunnel, if you wish.

But what's one to do if this is how life goes? It goes on... and it doesn't seem to stop, not even long enough for me to catch my breath and see the path I'm about to walk onto. No. There's no time to be silly like this. The problem is, there is no time. My time to grow up is up and I'm positive I'm not done yet. I'm not self-assured and mature, or pretty enough to be an adult. Or old enough to act like one. And my heart seems to agree with that, as it feels childlike and free. I like it that way, honestly.

I feel like I'm betraying everything I once knew and swore by. Not because I want to, but because life goes on and it's making me make choices. The mature kind of choices. Whatever that means. I'm just hoping I won't wake up thirty years from now, wondering if I did all the right things for the wrong reasons. No, I want to do all the wrong things for all the right reasons. That way I'll make sure there's no regrets. None, whatsoever.

Counting down the hours.

Until 2011, of course. And unlike any of the other years, today I actually have time to write a post for this blog. Turns out, British people are big on Christmas, but not too keen to celebrate the New Years Eve. It's not the same, there's no classic build-up to midnight, no excitement. I actually miss my parents' rush during the last day of the year, when everything needed to be close to perfection for the new year.

Anyway.
It's my first New Years Eve in London and for that, I'm eternally grateful. I've made my list of resolutions and I'm hoping that next year, the balance will turn out in my favor, just like it has this year. Also, I'm just adding to the list like right now: "party hard next 31st of December", this way I won't forget to celebrate it properly next year. We'll just say I was caught off guard this year, haha.


Happy New Year! Celebrate, enjoy, be merry and safe. See you in 2011.o

From beginning to end.

You know you're doing something right when you can fall asleep at night without having to think about what a failure you are. And while I'm still experiencing with this, I'm happy to report I've had no trouble sleeping for a few months now. I'm doing my best to not get cocky and just keep on working, as this seems to be the only way out. Or should I say, the only way in? Regardless, it's not by sitting in our corner all alone that we'll understand what we need to do to get where we want to be.

...Such a complicated sentence.
It's the end of 2010 and I've yet to write my list of resolutions, but I'll get to it in due time. I've been working this week, and I simply hate holidays, especially when the parents are at home. It feels like I'm not working, when in fact I totally am. I can't wait for school to start again, that way I can make some sense of my working schedule.

I'm also supposed to help cook the Christmas dinner and we shall see how that's going to go, considering I'm so bad in the kitchen I burn water. But there's always that first time and apparently, things work out pretty well once you're past that first step. We shall see.

Our Christmas tree is now cluttered with presents and gifts are still arriving at the house, from god knows where. That part is a bit different from Romania. We used to put the presents under the tree on the 24th and open them up on the next day. Here, we've been putting wrapped boxes under that tree since last week, haha. It's fascinating to see how a different culture reacts to a holiday like this.

On New Year's Eve, I'm probably going to go out with some friends, if all things go well. And then, I'm stepping into the New Year full of hope for an even better beginning than the end of this year. It's been eventful, but I have absolutely no regrets. There's no other place I'd rather be right now, even though I'm far from parents, siblings, friends. This is what I wanted and finally!, I'm getting it.

So I guess I should thank myself? Haha. For having the courage to step out of my comfort zone and finally making my way towards my destiny. Or maybe I should thank a higher power, since I couldn't do it without being rightfully guided by someone up there. Anyway. I hope your 2010 is ending on a good note, too. We all deserve it. At least, every once in a while.


Lastly, I leave you with a song that has no connection with this blog, whatsoever. But it's a song I love and it fits my current love life. Or lack thereof. Enjoy.

December is for cynics.

I'm watching X Factor, the finale. And the group song, the theme from Flashdance, reminded me of what's possible. Answer? Everything. If you take your passion and make it happen, you can do anything.

I spent the day in central London, people watching as I was making my way along Oxford Street trying to reach a department store so I could finally meet (in person!) one of my oldest online friends. And I was feeling a tad bit nervous, because I always feel like I'm not good enough for people. But luckily, our meeting was good, though very short, as she was working and I couldn't interrupt her for too long. And we made plans to definitely see each other and properly hang out, so I'm happy with the outcome.

I've decided that 2011 will be the first year when I will finally keep all my New Year's resolutions. I'm going to make a list of them, all achievable and then I'm going to try and keep each and every one of them. It's cause 2010 ends on a rather good note, if I do say so myself. Not perfect, cause perfect doesn't even exist. But okay, with lots of things to look forward to. And it's one of the first years that will not end up with me thinking 'what have I done this year?'. And that's probably the best I could have hoped for, considering how this year started.