Behind the lies.

I gaze into her eyes and I wonder how come we ended up being two strangers, when we used to be so close. She looks at me with a serious expression on her face and after a couple of minutes, in which that awkward silence makes me feel inadequate and small, her features soften and her lips curl into a sweet, shy and sort of sad smile. No, not sad... Knowing. She knows exactly what happened and why, but she's not saying anything, perhaps in an attempt to make me talk about it, when she knows all I want to do is avoid it. I'd run away if I could, but her stare holds me down, despite the smile.

"You haven't been here in a while." She says to me and I lower my head, shameful. She's right, but I don't want to give her that. "Or if you do come around, it's always hurried and hushed, never honest..." She goes on and I have to look her in the eyes now. She's hurting me on purpose, to bring out everything I'm trying to hold back. I bit my lower lip and glance away, letting out a soft sigh, feeling my emotions bubbling up about to spill in a river of undying words, gushing with force. "Maybe I have my reasons." I finally say, looking at her again, matching her smile. She doesn't say anything else, she just stares at me, confident I won't lie to myself anymore.

I see it now... We're the same, me and her. Just because she tries to reason with me and make me understand it's okay to break down every once in a while, it doesn't make us any less different. I pretend she's not there and she pretends I'm not pretending. And she's always there, unforgiving and loving at the same time. It's just a question of which side she wants to show more often.

I blink and then I blink again, the smile growing bigger on my face. "It will be alright, Cristina. You'll be alright, you're strong enough." She says to me and I see our lips moving at the same time, I hear the sound of my voice echoing in the room... And as soon as I nod to that thought, her eyes become soft and silent, like the surface of a tranquil sea. But I know deep down I'll keep lying to myself. It's just that sometimes, I see myself behind all the fake reasons and excuses... Behind all the lies.

Bullshit.

Every once in a while, I'm reminded I'm not made out of stone, no matter how much I wish for it. Whether it is something as innocent as hitting a lamp post face first or getting rejected for the upteenth time. I want to be heartless, just like I appear to be. Perhaps that is exactly why people hurt me so many times, because they're trying to figure me out; trying to see how far they can go until I break down. Newsflash, bitches. I'm already down, you just don't see it. And if I can help it, you won't ever witness that weakness on my behalf.

But just the same. Every once in a while, I'd like it if you'd stop hurting me. I can be nice and sweet and gentle, just as long as you don't hurt me. But you always do, so I guess it'll be just like this, for all eternity. I'm so tired. Tired of everything, yet again. And just to clarify, this is not over a certain someone. This is over the fact that I keep getting the same thing over and over again and I know, I know. It's me, it's all me. But why should I change. Why. It happened when I was different, it happens now. Logical conclusion: no matter if I'm good or bad, brunette or a redhead, short or tall, self-confident or shy... It'll happen over and over again.

Well, you know what?
Fuck you all. All of you, fuck you. Just don't come back complaining I'm a raging bitch. You made me like this. Enjoy.
Might as well choke on it, too. (:

Crucify me.

Ha! I'm so tired. But not in the physical way, and that's a first. I'm emotionally drained and I'm afraid my poker face won't hold for long. Not anymore. I have nine more weeks to go and I wish things would stop changing on me. I feel like everyone is so keen to take the rug from under my feet, they all want me to fall and to fail. And I'm scared it will happen. I really am...

I hate it when people change because of their status. I despise it and I wish you'd all stop doing it. Sometimes it happens so quickly, I stare in amazement and amusement. Other times, like now, it completely leaves me stunned. In a very bad way. But alas, I guess I just need to learn, yet again. Learn that I don't really belong amongst people, not these ones anyway. Or maybe I simply don't belong. Could be.

I also hate fakers. People who like to pretend or lie, and then turn around and do exactly the opposite. And I especially hate it when they do it just to be 'cool'. Fuck you, it's not cool to lie about who you are. Just be yourself and learn to deal with it. But either way, that's not something I can change. I'm just putting that out there, for all eternity. Or you know, until blogspot/blogger dies.

And lastly. It's so much easier for me to be angry, than to admit I'm actually hurt. Sad, broken, hurt, alone. Lonely. And there's really no changing that. Because when I tried, I only made myself vulnerable and people ended up hurting me yet again. I'm so tired of that, too. What is this world I live in... Where people like to hurt others for the pure pleasure of it. I desperately want out, but I'm too big of a coward to take action. And that's another thing I'm scared of. One day, I won't be afraid anymore. Of anything.

I guess... I'm just a scared little girl. And there's no one to help me with that.


Unrelated to this post. I miss you so much, my soul's bleeding. Because you're the only one I really need. And this life is so unfair, it makes my heart ache with despair. My soulmate...