Counting down the hours.

Until 2011, of course. And unlike any of the other years, today I actually have time to write a post for this blog. Turns out, British people are big on Christmas, but not too keen to celebrate the New Years Eve. It's not the same, there's no classic build-up to midnight, no excitement. I actually miss my parents' rush during the last day of the year, when everything needed to be close to perfection for the new year.

Anyway.
It's my first New Years Eve in London and for that, I'm eternally grateful. I've made my list of resolutions and I'm hoping that next year, the balance will turn out in my favor, just like it has this year. Also, I'm just adding to the list like right now: "party hard next 31st of December", this way I won't forget to celebrate it properly next year. We'll just say I was caught off guard this year, haha.


Happy New Year! Celebrate, enjoy, be merry and safe. See you in 2011.o

From beginning to end.

You know you're doing something right when you can fall asleep at night without having to think about what a failure you are. And while I'm still experiencing with this, I'm happy to report I've had no trouble sleeping for a few months now. I'm doing my best to not get cocky and just keep on working, as this seems to be the only way out. Or should I say, the only way in? Regardless, it's not by sitting in our corner all alone that we'll understand what we need to do to get where we want to be.

...Such a complicated sentence.
It's the end of 2010 and I've yet to write my list of resolutions, but I'll get to it in due time. I've been working this week, and I simply hate holidays, especially when the parents are at home. It feels like I'm not working, when in fact I totally am. I can't wait for school to start again, that way I can make some sense of my working schedule.

I'm also supposed to help cook the Christmas dinner and we shall see how that's going to go, considering I'm so bad in the kitchen I burn water. But there's always that first time and apparently, things work out pretty well once you're past that first step. We shall see.

Our Christmas tree is now cluttered with presents and gifts are still arriving at the house, from god knows where. That part is a bit different from Romania. We used to put the presents under the tree on the 24th and open them up on the next day. Here, we've been putting wrapped boxes under that tree since last week, haha. It's fascinating to see how a different culture reacts to a holiday like this.

On New Year's Eve, I'm probably going to go out with some friends, if all things go well. And then, I'm stepping into the New Year full of hope for an even better beginning than the end of this year. It's been eventful, but I have absolutely no regrets. There's no other place I'd rather be right now, even though I'm far from parents, siblings, friends. This is what I wanted and finally!, I'm getting it.

So I guess I should thank myself? Haha. For having the courage to step out of my comfort zone and finally making my way towards my destiny. Or maybe I should thank a higher power, since I couldn't do it without being rightfully guided by someone up there. Anyway. I hope your 2010 is ending on a good note, too. We all deserve it. At least, every once in a while.


Lastly, I leave you with a song that has no connection with this blog, whatsoever. But it's a song I love and it fits my current love life. Or lack thereof. Enjoy.

December is for cynics.

I'm watching X Factor, the finale. And the group song, the theme from Flashdance, reminded me of what's possible. Answer? Everything. If you take your passion and make it happen, you can do anything.

I spent the day in central London, people watching as I was making my way along Oxford Street trying to reach a department store so I could finally meet (in person!) one of my oldest online friends. And I was feeling a tad bit nervous, because I always feel like I'm not good enough for people. But luckily, our meeting was good, though very short, as she was working and I couldn't interrupt her for too long. And we made plans to definitely see each other and properly hang out, so I'm happy with the outcome.

I've decided that 2011 will be the first year when I will finally keep all my New Year's resolutions. I'm going to make a list of them, all achievable and then I'm going to try and keep each and every one of them. It's cause 2010 ends on a rather good note, if I do say so myself. Not perfect, cause perfect doesn't even exist. But okay, with lots of things to look forward to. And it's one of the first years that will not end up with me thinking 'what have I done this year?'. And that's probably the best I could have hoped for, considering how this year started.

You can't hold on to water.

It's been quite some time since I've written here, and to this day I still have nothing special to say. But as I was watching some videos from a Romanian TV show, I felt like laying down some thoughts in an attempt of feeling at ease with...well, with pretty much everything.

Christmas is right around the corner and though I've steered clear from the pain of feeling homesick, I think it's finally catching up. No, don't get me wrong. It's not enough to make me jump on a plane and head home, but it's enough to make me sad in the evening, right before I go to bed. I've always been the skeptical one when it came to going back to Romania, but I find myself missing it sometimes. Not the politics, not the misery, but the beautiful landscapes, that home feeling you can only get when your mother's arms are wrapped around you. That is what I miss, and so many other things. Things I hadn't noticed before I left. And I'm pretty sure that no matter how much I try, I'm not going to find them anywhere else.

But that's the thing about life. You have to decide if it's worth letting go of those familiar things in order to brighten up your future and along with it, your whole life. We may regret our past and not love our present very much, but without those two, we wouldn't have a future to look forward to. If we hadn't made those mistakes, we'd never find ourselves exactly where we are. And more importantly, we probably wouldn't be who we are.

I'm quite happy with where I am right now. I know I have a long way to go to get to that point where I can say "I've done it my way and it turned out to be great.", but without taking that first step, I'd probably still be back home, wondering what if. And that's not acceptable.

My motto now is 'take each day as it comes' and though I'm still struggling to apply it every day, it's definitely an improvement from what it used to be. And maybe, just maybe, one day I can go back home and feel great once again. At home.

Heart vacancy.

I have some stuff on my mind and for some reason I haven't been able to put them down on paper, or blog for that matter. I think it's because once I see them typed out, they'll really be true and then, there's no turning back. But why would I want to turn back anyway? Life goes on.

Emotionally bruised and confused, I stand here wondering if I'll ever feel peace. Just that feeling of complete tranquility. I think not. It would be too easy and I'm a complicated person, deep down I'd be wanting something to happen. I don't know what happened to me or my life, but I'm not sure I'm on the right path. The past came back to haunt me and I always thought everything happens for a reason, but what could that be in this case? Why would having an old flame in my life be a good thing? I have no idea. I just know it feels comfortable, it feels like home. And yet, impossible because of all the things that stand between me and achieving this particular dream. I'm talking serious, real, tangible factors like 5,000 miles of ocean and land. That's how real this obstacle is. Who knows.

Then, there's the issue of injustice I have to deal with every day. I can't understand why things happen the way they do. Why only the most undeserving people get the easiest part of life. Why some of us have to work so damn hard and get nowhere. Why, why, why. The saying with the wheel turning comes to mind, but I've got no time to wait for that. And so I keep working and keep pushing, even though I know in the back of my mind it's all for nothing. Life will always, always, always be like this. Some people get rewarded with everything, while others have to work to get nothing. Injustice, like I said. And if you know me, you'll know it kills me.

So I ask myself: what is it that I'm doing wrong? What's the mistake I'm constantly making that's not letting me get where I want? I'm blind and probably a fool, because more than likely I'll never find the answers. But I can't do anything else but what I'm doing now. Let life unfold and take whatever it's giving me, good or bad. And maybe learn a lesson or two. Because that's what real, tangible, amazing people do. Live and learn.


P.S. I love this song, cause it's...very true. And very mood-inspired. Besides, Daughtry rules. Foreverrr.

It's only the end.

The end of August.
The end of another summer.
The end of an era.
The end of me.

I'm ending this month on a rather sad note. I feel empty, disappointed, hurt. But somehow, hopeful. I'm hoping in a better tomorrow, because I doubt I could sink any lower than this. In matters of feelings, I mean. Nothing so dramatic happened, but I feel so broken after this last week. So much that I gave up something I've held very close to my heart for the last two and a half years. I'm ready to move on now, even though it hurts and it makes me feel forgotten. But some things need to be on their way and perhaps this is the case. If I'm wrong, it'll come back to me. If not, then it's definitely for the better. One cannot spend his or her life longing for something that never shows up.

I've decided to go back to school. Well, only for one course, but it's better than nothing. I'm going crazy not doing anything all day long, so I have to find something useful to do. Thus, my creative writing course. I'm still not sure if it's my best option, but I can't spend another year wondering and wondering. And maybe this will help keep me busy and I won't have enough time to think about the same things over and over again. That would be a nice change of pace.

Anyway. I must leave the online world for now. Too much drama for not a lot of rewarding moments.
Wake me up when September ends...

Covergirl.

I don't understand why time has to be so flighty. One minute it's there, then the next thing I know, it's gone. And as we all know, you can't turn back time, even if you desperately want or need it.

Anyway.
Mid-August and I feel like I'm wasting my life away, partying it up in the weekends and slaving during the week. I know, I know. We all have to start from the bottom and work our way up to the top, but sometimes I think the top is like...you know, in that Tom&Jerry episode when Tom dies and goes on that big escalator to heaven? Yeah, that's how I feel. Except my escalator isn't self-running, I have to literally take every step. And yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm too tired to go on. Like now. Too many things happening at once.

My friends can't get along with each other because one's too stupid and proud to care and the other one...well, she didn't technically do anything wrong, so what the hell. And I'm in the middle, though it's the last place I want to be. I actually want to be on a sunny beach, in the Bahamas. That'd be lovely.

I'm probably unbelievably stupid because of what I'm doing now. Which is exactly what I did over three years ago: push all my friends away because I'm waiting for a guy to call me. "No, I can't go out tonight." Why? Because I'm waiting for a man to call and ask me out. Pathetic? Thought as much. And yet, here I am, having a "quiet weekend". Don't get me wrong, sometimes down time is appreciated, but if it's for the wrong reasons..I don't think they call it a 'down time'.

What else, what else. Last Thursday there was a shooting stars shower in the UK and I took the aforementioned man to the Parliament Hill in London and wow. The view is spectacular! You can see the whole city of London, and it was midnight and the entire city was lit with amazingly colorful lights. It was breathtaking, to be honest. And it was probably my highlight of the week.

I spent a bunch of money today, for no particular reason. Hell, I can think of one: retail therapy. And my tongue piercing is better than ever, if you must know. I'm loving it more and more every day and I can't wait for it to be fully healed, so that I can start buying funky jewelry. I'm a rebel at heart, you knew that.

And with this, I'm done with yet another silly update. For whomever reads this and wants to know how my life is, there you go. But! It's a London life, so that pretty much sums it all up better than I could ever write it in words. Song time! I don't know why I love this song, but I really do.

...

Fuck you, life.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

I don't want to feel anymore. I want to be cruel and numb and heartless. Now. I want to crush all of you because you suck. And mostly, I just want to be alone. Stop talking to me, stop pretending you care, just stop. I don't care.

Not anymore.


I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself

You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.





P.S. I'm angry today. Deal with it.

Stuck in the moment.

It hurts to grow up. There is no one there to help you up when you're down, you have to pull yourself together and inspire yourself to keep on going. Every moment you're off track, you must convince yourself that getting up and moving on is the right thing to do, because deep down you know otherwise you'd just sit against the cold, hard floor and forget all about life. It hurt when I grew up, but it's the sort of pain you get used to it. Life slaps you in the face, reminding you that you are, indeed, alive; time shows you that no one is immortal, therefore you should always live like you're dying. Carpe diem and all of that! And finally, people. They are in your life to prove that we couldn't grow old on our own, because that really would hurt too much.

But I think what hurts the most is when others around you grow up, too. That's maybe the moment you realize life really isn't a game, not anymore. It's not about our dolls or computer games, or silly crushes on cute boys. Not about that call you're waiting sitting by the phone, or about the test you have to pass. As selfish as it may sound, life is all about us. Each and every one of us. But sometimes we'd like the ones we love to never grow up, because then everything suddenly becomes much more real. Perhaps too real.

Growing up shouldn't be this hard. But it is and it happens, inevitably to all of us. The question is...when we're all on the road to old and gray, to live our dreams and face our fears, how do we stay close? How do we manage to keep what we had when we were little? Friends, family, wishes.

Easy. We just don't.

London, friends, hospitals, life.

It seems like it's time for yet another London update. I find it so hard to just sit in front of my computer now, it's crazy. Just mere months ago I was tied to it and now...you should see the amount of dust it collects on a daily basis. But anyway, here goes my lovely update.

First. I had my first encounter with a British hospital. Well, a walk in centre, actually. It's a place where you can go whether you are registered with a GP or not and they treat minor illnesses or can provide useful information if your case is more serious. I had heard so many horror stories about places like this, though, I was afraid to go. However, my bladder decided otherwise so Sunday morning, I woke up bright and early and took two buses to get to St. George's Hospital, Tooting. After filling in the form, I waited about half an hour then a nurse came out, called my name and in I went. About fifteen minutes later, I was out the door, antibiotics at hand, ready to start my way to recovery. Say what?! And here I thought I was going to waste my whole day in a place with a bunch of people that just couldn't afford proper health care. This may sound mean, but I am after all a mean person. No. Really, I am.

Second. YESTERDAY WAS AMAZING! We went to Central London and no matter how much I see it, I'm still in love with it. This relationship is bound to last for many years to come, I'm sure. We barely got off the train and I was smiling like crazy. Keep in mind I was crazy sick, but I didn't care. It's London, what the hell! We took the tube to Covent Garden and then walked all the way to Trafalgar Square. London is breathtaking, seriously. So many people, so many different things to see and do, it's like every corner of every street hides something else. We didn't do anything in particular, no. We were just there and to me, that's more than enough. We had lunch in Leicester Square, on the grass and we just spent a few hours laughing and having fun. Luckily, it was a sunny day, so hooray for good weather. And we made a promise to come back again, and soon. Hopefully, it'll actually happen.

&Third. My sister is coming to see me in two weeks. I can't tell you how much I need these couple of weeks to go by, gah. I miss her so much, dammit. I plan to take her to London every freaking day and she's gonna love it, too. That's the thing about best friends, they somehow love the same things you do. Or some of them, anyway. What else, what else. It's the middle of July already. Really? Time goes by so fast when you're enjoying life, it's true. And I wish you all could be as happy as I've been in the last three months. It's more of a lifestyle now, can't live without it.

As for me, well...I'll always have London ;)
&To end, a kinky rock song. Halestorm rock!

What, how, where, why.

That's exactly how I feel right now. A new week began today and I feel like I've been hit by a truck. This last weekend was absolutely mad and I'm not sure how much I'd like to repeat the experience. Between spending loads of money shopping on Saturday morning and partying like it was 1999 until Sunday morning...I think I may have aged ten or so years. I know I'm young and all, but seriously? How can some people do it every single weekend? I'm in awe, the bad kind. Maybe.

My Saturday date turned into a full blown Central London experience. Bar and club hopping till the early hours of morning, spicing it up with alcohol and the faint smell of weed. What, you say. Oh yes, people downtown London are insane. They don't care that drugs are illegal or that it's tacky to sit outside a pub and drink your sorrows (or not) away. I swear, I think everyone was out this weekend. When I got to Oxford Circus Saturday evening, a thousand people must've thought I was crazy. Because I was the only one staring like I'd never seen people before. So crowded, it felt like you couldn't even breathe properly. But oddly enough, it wasn't a bad feeling. It kinda made me happy deep down, because after all...this is what I've wanted all along. And well, London at night makes it all worth it.

So, to conclude. This weekend = fucking crazy. I met people who don't give a fuck if they spend too much (which uhm, yeah I like!), champagne was flying everywhere and just the feeling of being outside in what I think is the most amazing city in the world...No regrets. None, whatsoever.
Voila, my darlings. My alcohol binging - coke snorting - weed smoking - London sightseeing - club hopping Saturday night experience. You might have to guess which of those I did and which not. Cause yeah, not all my experiences, hah. Just a few things I got to witness, that's all.

Until next time. :)

I kinda like this song. And for some reason, after my date...it feels right.

Bleeding the dream.

"Baby, baby, baby..."

Okay. I give up. Justin Bieber Fever is on. For a while now and it's just crazy. A lot of things seem rather odd lately. If I have peace of mind in my offline life, my online one must suffer. It's insane how affected I am over one fictional character I happened to invent, but I guess that's how we, writers, are. I'm trying hard not to be sad, because other than this tiny thing everything else is pretty amazing. But we all have bad moments and today is my very bad moment.

Mkay. Well, nothing else to say for the end of June. Things in London are still very good, much to my surprise. Will try to blog more, but I'm not making any promises.

Always&forever.

Another Thursday.

Finally. I sent my papers today and I'm hoping for the best. I'm also hoping whatever comes my way can come before the middle of July, so I can book a flight back home. I'm supposed to visit the mother country in the first week of August, even though I'm reluctant in doing so. I don't really want to go and apparently that makes me selfish and mean. That's what one of my Romanian friends told me just a little while ago and well...so be it. I'd much rather stay here where my life is relatively good, can anyone blame me? I'd think not.

But speaking of that. Last week was closure week, I guess. I finally put a stop to everything that was going on for over three years and I feel weird. Free, empty, excited, sad. All at the same time, sort of like an emotional roller coaster. But I know everything will be okay, because things were bound to end this way. And so, I say goodbye to a wonderful yet painful period of my life and start walking towards the future. Who knows what might happen.

And some random facts. I'm doing research for my future career as well, still learning proper Spanish and thinking of doing some online classes, if I can ever find the right ones. Going to dye my hair 'Deepest Mudberry' and hope for the best. Actually, it's only a bit lighter than my natural shade and I'm only doing it because the sun basically turned me into a dark blonde haired girl. My sunburn is all better now, the red turned to a lovely shade of brown so I'm proud of my tan. And so is everybody else, considering they all notice it. Still haven't been to Central London, but somehow I'm not in a hurry to do it. Maybe it's because I know I'll be here for a while, so I figured I have all the time in the world to visit. Besides, I'm quite comfortable here, hanging out with my friends. And one important thing I learned lately: when it comes to life and doing stuff, you can't say 'I don't know how to do that'. Nope. You gotta stick your neck out and do it any way you can.


I jumped on the Bieber Fever wagon, just for a little song. This one inspires me every time I hear it, so here you go.

Cry myself out.

End of May. We have a pretty cloudy day here, but that's to be expected. The weather doesn't bother me anymore, I just take it as it comes. You just learn to enjoy the sunny days and be productive on rainy ones, it's as simple as that.

Anyway.
I don't really want to talk about the weather. I don't...want to talk about anything in particular, I just felt like blogging about the end of May. Lately, I've been giving the future a lot of thought, especially what's going to happen once I'm done being an au pair. Various ideas have circled my mind and one seems to get stuck more often than not. Media, PR, journalism, marketing, publishing. Okay, I realize it's more than one idea, but still. So I'm going to try and move forward in that direction. I'm teaching myself proper Spanish, since I'm so good with foreign languages. And I plan on doing the same with French and maybe even some technical stuff, like HTML. Gotta have skills, right? I don't know, I just feel like I have too much time on my hands. How the fuck did that happen?! I read three different books, work 6 to 8 hours every day, I spend time online...it's crazy, I know. My neighbor said it's a sign I'm getting old. I want to say it's a sign I'm growing up.

It'll be summer tomorrow, officially. At the end of this season, I want to know one more foreign language and have read at least fifty books. Plus, visit London and quite possibly, Scotland. Impossible? Nothing is impossible. Trust me, I know.

What are your plans/dreams/desires? Make it happen, no matter what. Until next time.


For some reason every time I listen to this song I feel like I'm on top of the world. And of course, London makes it all better. The people who know me will definitely know why. ;)

Memories.

Sometimes I hate how I can put myself in everyone's shoes and be empathetic with all of them. Because they never say thanks, they never return the favor, they never understand. But I have to understand, and I have to help you and I just have, have, have...

It's been a long couple of weeks and for some reason, I'm spending a lot of time thinking these days. Just wondering what my life is going to be like once I'm done being an au pair and I'll have to face real world yet again. Cause yeah, where I'm at right now is a comfortable place, I get to deal with some things, but a lot of them are still unknown to poor little me. And I have to think about everything, right? Ironic, since I was never one to make long-term plans. Is this what growing up means? I sometimes stare at myself in the mirror and wonder who is that familiar stranger looking back at me. I see myself, but I don't recognize myself. And I'm not unhappy with that conclusion, oddly enough. Weird, huh.

Six weeks later, I'm still happy in London. My newly found friends turned out to be more than just clubbing buddies, they're my new best friends. We cry, we laugh, we get drunk while there's still wine...(this one I've got from one of my best friends back home, bless her). And life does seem a lot easier when you've got people around you. Just like magic.


Vampire Diaries song. I already miss the show. Loving the song, even though it's a sad one. Aren't those the best though? Exactly.

Little Miss Sunshine.

It's been so long since I blogged, I almost forgot how to do it. Except not really, I've just been so busy, I couldn't find the time to brag about how much I love living here. Haha. No, really now. I should be serious. The last ten or so days have been pretty normal, with two cool weekends and a long work week in between. I thought this week would never end, every day was so long and just blah. People think it's so easy to work with children, but it really isn't. You have to constantly know what they're up to, feed them, entertain them, make sure they don't kill themselves in an attempt to climb that wobbly ladder. It's pretty much a full time job and every week night I just feel like sleeping, sleeping, sleeping.

Except for Thursday. This cute eighteen year old I met in a club took me to Central London, in Hyde Park to be accurate. And it was empty and dark and just so London-ish. Central London is definitely something I had missed, so I'm very happy with how the night turned out. Yesterday we went clubbing with a new friend and that was alright. It wasn't too exciting or anything, though we did get phone numbers, compliments etc, the usual. Today we're going to Kingston, in an attempt to revive the lost weekend. And tomorrow I'm going to the movies, so...this really is the long lost weekend. Partying since Thursday?! If this doesn't kill me, then I don't know what will, lol.

A wave of homesickness hit me this week, when my parents celebrated their wedding anniversary. I do love living here and I don't even plan on going back home for the holidays, but sometimes I just need a hug. And while my host family is very kind and I'm sure wouldn't mind sparing hugs, it's just not the same. Yeah, these kids love me and they're getting so attached to me, but it's just not enough. However! My homesickness will not stand in the way of living my dream, because I'm stronger than that and that's just how it's going to be. :)
I do miss my family and my friends. Not the country, because from what I'm hearing...things are just getting crazier there.

Let's see, let's see...I don't think I have anymore updates for now. Or maybe I do, but I just can't remember much. Just blame the alcohol, not me. Still haven't got a camera, still haven't sent my papers in. Stuff just gets dragged on around here. Oh well. Until next time, much love from England.

No regrets, just lessons learned.

I wonder how much we can expand our limits. Physical, emotional etc. If this limit is like a rubber band that once reached, it has to return to its original size.

For example. I never knew how many things I could hold in one hand until I had to take care of someone else's children. This one random day, I found myself holding two bags, different items of clothing and a scooter's handle, to make sure the little girl didn't fall.
Or...that there's no art in making sandwiches, you just have to make sure your fingers are still attached to your hand when you're done.

These are pretty silly examples, but it's the little things that give me a lesson every day.

I was thinking today about my high school friends. Which...they don't really exist. All those promises to keep in touch, they all faded away when we saw the first glimpse of real life. I was going through someone's facebook friends only to notice a lot of my old classmates, so it made me a bit nostalgic.

I never considered myself a full adult, mostly because whenever I needed my parents, they were there. And so, last week we had a big dinner gathering, with our neighbors. This unbelievably charming man, who happens to be the neighbor, asked if I wanted a glass of wine. Nothing too strange, I know. But whenever I'm with my parents, I feel like they judge me if I drink, so I pass. That day, I didn't. And I sat at that table, having my wine with the food, chatting about grown-up stuff. Another silly thing, but it kinda meant something to me.

Last weekend, we went to a new club. And I ended up mixing my drinks, which wasn't the smartest idea. I found myself walking home with my shoes in my hand, because walking in heels while drunk was potentially dangerous. And I know it's not something to be proud of, but I actually like myself more when I'm having fun like that. Not saying you can't have fun without drinking, obviously. And I didn't even have to pay for everything, so that was a plus. 50 pounds worth of alcohol in a club and I didn't pay a penny. I'm such a bad person, I know.

And.
It's been almost a month since I've been here. My life couldn't be better, in all honesty. I think I'm in love with the place I'm at right now, because it gives me the opportunity to see what my limits are, in more ways than one. Because things really turned out to be exactly how I'd hoped, much better than in my home country. Because, while I do miss my parents, sister, a couple of friends, I don't miss that place at all. And most of all, because I can finally be myself without being judged. Thank god for that.

Miley's new song. It's actually pretty good, and I didn't expect that.

Try again.

A whole week without blogging, I must say I miss it. Ranting about my various troubles seems to help, but I can only find one answer to the lack of updates: there's really not that many problems in my life right now. Everything happens for a reason and I find myself exactly where I'm supposed to be. Sure, sometimes I'd like more free time, but there's always a sacrifice to everything.

Last week we walked all the way to Sutton and had a laugh when the English class was canceled. Because we had to walk back to Cheam and then, we realized there wasn't much to do here. So guess what? Oh yes, straight to Sutton we went, laughing all the way there. Good exercise! When I say we, that's me and my three newly found friends. Good girls, rather crazy. Perfect entourage.

I made my first money this week. As in, first time ever when I had to actually work for a paycheck, not just pretend. Life is hard, dude. I was sitting in the park today, watching the kids and thinking how much I'd love to be a child again. To have nothing to worry about other than what toys to play with or...to be a teenager and only think about that guy I saw at the mall. Seriously, children don't even know how better off they are, in their own world.

And then...after three weeks of blessed time, today I had to argue with someone. Seems impossible to have it all, so something had to break. I just wonder why I care...I really wish I didn't. It would be so much easier.


P.S. Watch Vampire Diaries. I cry every time. And the first season is coming to an end soon, which leaves me heartbroken.

Long distance.

Jack is very cute, just so you know. He's twenty years old, lives in Sutton and has two tattoos. Oh, and a job! And he kept whispering sweet nothings into my ear last Saturday, even though I clearly told him it won't matter.

Why am I even saying this to a blog? I don't know, I just felt like typing something, hah. Something about a cute guy who happened to give me his phone number, just in case.

Anyway. On a more serious note, things here are still on the right track. Weekdays spent with the children, weekend nights out with Geraldine. This new me must have been hiding forever now, cause I can't seem to have enough. It got me thinking, though. I spent the last four years of my life pretending to be something I obviously am not and I can't find the reason. But, for once it doesn't even matter. Because apparently partying is me, even though I said it's not.

A trip to London is beginning to appear on the horizon, much to my happiness. I've started drinking coffee, Costa Coffee, every morning. I take India and Luca to school, I pick up my cup of steaming latte, then I head back home, all British looking. I could get used to this lifestyle. Well...minus the children. Cause yes, I've come to the sad /not conclusion that kids are not for me. Sure, I like them and I get along with them just fine, but from my point of view, they only put a stop to what you want to do. When you have them, you have to change everything about yourself. And it doesn't sound so amazing to me, just saying. But more on that later, I never say never.

I actually watched Dear John, the movie. And I was disappointed by the ending, because I wanted it to be sad. Instead, they had a happily ever after and I've wasted my tears for this film. It was a good movie, I won't lie. I just would've liked another ending.

And so, I'm done rambling for the day. I got nostalgic today and thought about a certain someone back home, but not in a positive way, so to speak. So-so. Which is why I'm leaving you with one of my favorite songs. And I don't say that a lot, hah. Taaa-taa!

Week number one.

I figured this day needs a special blog, since it's an important date. One whole week in the UK and I'm still holding strong. I must say, I'm actually quite proud of myself, though there are certain things that annoy me. Like how...no matter what you do, someone will come ruin it no sooner than the second you're done. Par example: cleaning a table, gathering someone's toys. Makes me wanna think twice about the whole 'have your kids' issue, but that's a tale for another time.

We went to see Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang today, which is a funny movie with Ralph Fiennes, Emma Thompson and Maggie Smith. Only my sister will get the references, cause she's a nerd and I love her. But for the untrained eye? Lot of Harry Potter actors, which of course made the film more entertaining. I'm finally learning my way around this town using public transportation, I can safely use their money (hooray for all the math private sessions, they help a lot!) and I'm loving the fact that people here are extremely friendly. My neighbor, Geraldine, she's French and she speaks this broken English, it's hilarious. I'm sensing loads of Saturdays out and that's always a good thing in my book.

What else, what else. Getting my papers ready to send next week, finally getting my own routine around here. The new kitchen is coming up pretty quickly, apparently it's going to look amazing. Until then however, it's nothing but a bunch of dust and drilling noises all day long. Oh well. Can't have everything. I plan on trying out Indian food with my first pay check, in London no less. It's still early to assume, but I kind of feel like my life is on the right track for once. Yeah, it's hard and yeah, it's tiring. But it's worth it. If only certain people would stop trying to second-guess me, that would be wonderful. No matter how many times you say I'm coming home soon, that will not happen. I'm determined to make this right and you can't change that. Stop trying, enjoy life, smell a rose. Best of luck.

Loving this Nickelback song. Enjoy!

Home, sweet home.

I was never one to belong in that one, amazingly fuzzy place we call home. Wherever we had to move, I adjusted and I can't remember longing for one place or another. Five days in Sutton, London and...I'm almost there. It just takes ages to learn everything! I'm currently trying to learn my way around the house and everything in it, it's all very weird and extremely different.

There's some moments I kind of want to break down and catch the first flight to Romania, but then I snap out of it and remember that the UK was my dream for about 7 years or so. That helps a lot, even though I actually find myself missing a few things and a bunch of people. Quite a lot, especially at night time when I have to watch TV until my eyes bleed so I don't have to think about the 1,500 miles away from home.

But anyway...Today was my first day officially 'on the job'. Seriously? Growing up sucks big time. You always have to make sure everything is in order, you have tons of responsibilities and tasks and it just feels really hard to deal with. Deep breaths, deep breaths. And so I start counting down my 365 days of slaving my way into the desired Blue Card. This too shall pass.

I haven't had much time to call people or talk to them because I've been so busy lately. Places to see, people to meet, stuff to remember. Sutton is an amazing place, with really nice people. Last Saturday I had my first outing with a couple of newly found friends and all I have to say is w.o.w. Clubs here = totally different from clubs in Romania (not that I've seen that many). But! Many people offered to buy me drinks, so I'm taking that as a good thing. Hey, when you're out of money...at least you know someone's always willing. And everyone here is always busy, always doing this or that, no time to be a lazy ass. I feel out of place cause all I want to do is sit at the computer all day long. Of course :)

So yeah. I still need a bit more time to get everything organized and to feel more confident running around mighty old England. Hopefully, a trip to London will come up soon, I'm sure that will cheer me up loads. Until then, my friends...Kisses and hugs, love you all tons. <3


P.S. I'm learning British. Even my accent is different. I'll be one of them in no time, promise.
And, song time. This is exactly how I feel, oddly enough.

Dear John.

I feel so abused and so lost, all because of you. Never in my life have I met someone so confusing and so determined to make me feel inferior and less of a human being. Tonight I had the occasion to see that you'll never change and that, no matter how many times I try or what I do, there is no chance for us. I randomly see you on the street and you, out of fear or shame (I wish I knew), shove your friend in my face, like I might jump at you or god knows what. I felt small and insignificant and that was a clear reflection of the last three+ years. I probably wasted so much time, much more than needed, but oh well. Call me a sucker for every time I forgave all the little things, for every memory I now treasure.

Blood, sweat, tears. My life, soul and heart. All for you and you never saw it. And once again I thought you might have noticed me, but such a fool I was. If I could, I'd laugh. But I can't, which makes this even more pathetic than it should be.

True goodbyes are the ones never said or explained.

So true, so...goodbye.



Last boyfriend rant. I thought about not writing it, but I seem to function better once my frustration is on paper/screen. And what I felt like anger turned out to be an endless pit of sadness, much to my disappointment. Four days until London and I have too many feelings to sort out, which makes it impossible to concentrate on this particular one. Good, bad? I don't know. All I know is I'm disappointed, and that's one thing I can't fight with.

P.S. A "Dear John" letter is...well, read below.
Source: credit!


And song, song, song.

Come what may.

8 days until London and things are getting interesting. It seems that only now, when I'm about to flee, people remember I exist. My dad suddenly realizes I'm a human being rather than just a piece of meat with a heart. Actually, I could almost say he remembered I was his daughter and not a simple furniture piece he could move around. My friend from high school wants to 'spend a last night with me' as he put and all I could was laugh at that. Like, no.

Surprisingly, I had a nice time these last couple of days. I didn't think things could end in this way, but life gives me a lesson yet again. What I thought would be disastrous and painful, turned out to be hopeful and insightful. I'm going to miss this guy that made me so happy and so miserable at the same time. His random babbling about cars, his constant need to be in control, his insane driving skills. Oh yes. And although he says I will be coming back to him, I can't help but smile bitterly knowing that I won't. Whether things end here or not, I do know I'm not coming back. Of course he can totally come to London, but will he? I honestly doubt it. Life.

I bought a gigantic suitcase, filled it up with all my favorite clothes only to realize that it's too heavy. Actually, it weighs more than I do, so it's clearly a no-no. So, I bought another one, smaller this time. And...big surprise? I managed to put almost everything I wanted in it. It's still heavy, but at least I won't need to make it drag me instead. I joked about this whole thing and said I needed to buy a couple of guys to help me with it. Right. I still have a bunch of things to take with me and that's going to be a problem, I think I might have to let go of some. So hard. I don't know who is going to make those decisions, hah.

I'm sad. Sad that I'm leaving twenty two years behind and will have to start all over again. Like a baby taking the first steps. But I'm happy, too. Because technically real life is about to start and while it's scary, it's also exciting. Though I must say...there's some advantages in being at home, with friends and family. I can only wonder what this new stage will bring me, and hope I can overcome whatever life decides to throw at me.

Bring it on :)
Food for the soul, as per usual. I love this song.

Afterboom.

T minus 14 days.
Two weeks from now, I'll be on a plane, heading to London. I'm scared and I'm not entirely sure of what I will find there. But I'm so glad I'm leaving this life behind, with absolutely everything in it. Well, maybe not everything. I'm taking with me a couple of friendships I would like to keep. ;)
The new and improved me is ready to take the world by storm and I probably won't stop until every single one of my dreams comes true. Optimistic? Maybe, but I'm so tired of all the negative thinking, I'm determined to change that about myself.

Let's see.
I saw Nowhere Boy this week. The movie about how John Lennon came to be...well, John Lennon. And I must say, my expectations were way too high. The actor playing Paul McCartney was brilliant! Totally my favorite. And John's character came across as highly insensitive to the world around him, though he was trying so hard not to seem that way. The soundtrack was amazing, that I can say. I'm definitely downloading it, as soon as my to-do list gets smaller. All in all, the movie won't blow your mind away and it's not a must-see, but it's a nice way to spend your afternoon. And something that made me giggle? I went with a friend and we were the only two people in the theater. Funny.

My to-do list.
Is huge. Leaving on the 8th of April doesn't give me much time to do things, so every minute of my time is accounted for. I have to go to school and finally get my papers, I have to go to my doctor and get my medical record, I have to pick up my new passport, plus find a bigger suitcase and manage to pack stuff for an entire year there. Impossible? Let's not say that. I just hope my dad won't throw away the rest of my things, seeing as I will be needing them once I settle there for good. I bought my plane ticket today and I found myself smiling. Bittersweet, but a smile nonetheless. I feel like I'm about to bungee jump without a cord and it's exhilarating, though scary as hell. And for the first time in almost forever, I feel like myself again. Like I had been hiding all this time and now it's finally time to set myself free. And wish for the best, of course.

I'm currently staring at my London pictures on the wall. Who would've thought?
Looks like dreams do actually come true. Even for me.


Power song! Or sort of, hah.

Breaking dawn.

Lady Gaga's Telephone video? Stupid. The song is nice, though.
I want to watch every season of The Tudors.
I can't wait for the new Harry Potter movie.
I realized my parents will never consider me a perfectly capable adult.
Also, people are never what they seem to be.
I listened to music until my ears hurt.
I want to stay awake 24 hours and do nothing but chat online.
I have to buy a bigger suitcase.
I'm leaving the country after Easter.
I'm spending said Easter here, on my own.
I miss him. And my friends.
I must get my medical record and school papers.
I have to make sure my passport is valid, though I'm still searching for it. (hah, the struggles of being disorganized)
Therapy session tomorrow.
New Gossip Girl episode tomorrow. (or at least I think)
I hope I can find a ticket for Legally Blonde, the musical in London. Duncan, Duncan, Duncan! :)
I started sorting through my clothes and things, I own too many, seriously.
Did I mention I miss people? Sigh.

I'm finally breaking away...

Song for the soul. As per usual.

Movie night.

Remember me...

I was in the mood for a sappy movie tonight and I picked Robert Pattinson's latest film, Remember Me. I was alone and I felt a bit awkward considering the cinema was filled with couples, but I got past that feeling as soon as the scenes started rolling. The movie is...well, it's not a brilliant movie. Average at best, with a predictable ending and mediocre acting. Pattinson played the same introverted late adolescent, tormented by family issues and Emilie de Ravin was the perfectly disturbed blonde, hiding an awful childhood secret. The action takes place in 2001 and it shows a not so heartbreaking love story with an ending that will make you want to cry, even with its predictability. I wouldn't strongly recommend it, though if you want a nice way to spend two hours, it's a good choice. Plus, romance is always a great subject, especially one that ends painfully.

Or maybe I'm just a masochist, hah.

My life plans are still fuzzy and weird, but I'm taking each day at the time, just tasting it, like I've been advised. My London life will start most likely this spring/summer, since the only thing keeping me here is my therapy. Otherwise, I've started to think about where to go, where to stay and what to do, packing and making sure I have everything I need to leave. It's certainly going to be the adventure of a lifetime.

Inspirational song! Enjoy.

First day of the rest of my life.

If today was your last day,
Tomorrow was too late, could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Could you?

Sigh. This weekend was too eventful for my taste. After one long Friday evening spent arguing with my dad about school, life and my mental state I finally managed to break free. Two months of therapy and I actually told my dad that I'm going to do my own thing from now on. I must say I didn't expect this to happen so soon, but nevertheless I'm glad it did.

Consequences? No more money, no more going home and...basically, that's it. Looking for a job, dropping out of that stupid school I hate, maybe leaving the country sooner than I had planned, possibly after Easter, who knows. Right now, I'm completely exhilarated by the fact that I don't have to go home every weekend and report to my parents. I thought it was going to feel bad, since I literally have no support right now. But nope, it feels like I could climb mount Everest, if I wanted to. Refreshing.


:)

Kill me now.

Silence is golden.
I've been told by many people that it's useful to shut up, every once in a while. Kind of hard to achieve, considering I'm all about talking, communicating...

I had a revelation early this week. I can't possibly know what I want from my life, since I don't know who I am anymore. I spent so much time trying to disguise myself, that I don't know which one of my many faces is the real one, the one that matters. So instead of chasing my future, I'm now determined to chase my true self, even though I laugh at it. Life gets only harder, it seems.

On a more positive note. I watched The Secret and I have to give many thanks to my wonderful friend, Alina, since it was her suggestion. A documentary that definitely put a smile on my face and gave me a lot of stuff to think about, good things and how one can achieve them. Certainly a breath of fresh air.

What else, what else.
Oh yes. Alice in Wonderland, 3D, Tim Burton version. IMAX and 3D = definitely worth it. It'll blow your mind away, and might leave you with a tiny headache, but still an amazing addition to the industry. The movie in itself? I wanted to love it, but I don't. It's a Tim Burton classic and on that note, it delivers. It's fast-paced, brilliantly designed and Johnny Depp plays the Mad Hatter part like it was designed for him. And mind you, I don't actually like Johnny, but in this film he surprised me. I do recommend it, it's a nice version of the famous book and it sort of picks up the story from an older version, the one with Tina Majorino from 1999. So yeah, go see it. If anything, the 3D glasses will amuse you for a short while. And if you're into the whole Alice thing? Syfy released an awesome 2 episode series, called simply 'Alice'. It's on DVD now and I strongly recommend it to anyone who wants to see a more modern replay of the same old story.

So much babble. Lee Ryan is finally releasing a new single, called 'Secret Love'. And if you know me, then you'll know I'm jumping for joy. London is definitely calling my name. Ta ta.



I'm not a The Rasmus fan, but this song makes my heart melt, just saying.

Fairytale.

What are movies made of?
Real life. Real, raw feelings brought to screen in an attempt to make us feel better for a little while.

Why?
When life is so much like a movie, why do we go to the cinemas to stare at life? This is what I thought about today.

Because...Sigh. I want my life to feel like a fairytale, from the butterflies in my stomach to my oh-so-wanted happy ending. I want a love so powerful that it can take my breath away and leave me speechless while I gaze into someone's eyes. That feeling of completion that we so often see on screen, but so rarely in real life. Something that consumes me entirely and yet, gives me plenty of energy to live another amazing day. Something that contradicts my whole being and at the same time agrees with everything that I am.

Flowers blossoming, a soft breeze, a quiet, colorful sunset...Lips brushing against my skin, bringing me to life.

Whatever happened to that? I used to have it, feel it, breathe it. Used to.
Time is unforgiving, with everything and everyone.
And here I stand, wanting a love that can last forever and a day. Or three days after forever. Either way...

Can you meet me halfway?

I'm stupid.

Definitely.
I hate lies. I hate liars more than I hate lies.
I don't need to be lied, I can take the hard, cold truth. I'm not going to cry and act like a five year old, stomping my feet because I didn't get my new toy. I'm not going to beg for a better outcome or for a nicer treatment. No.
And if there's one true thing? Lies are always discovered. I don't have to look too hard into the matter, somehow I always end up knowing the truth and it hurts more than if you would have told me yourself.

I feel stupid, small, useless, suffocated, unimportant, random, unacknowledged.


I hate lies more than I hate this stupid world. More than I hate it when I have to pretend I'm okay. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

And I hate myself for letting you get away with it every single time. Because I can forgive and forget, but you can't. How unfair. Who the hell lied to me and told me life was fair?

Just lies.
That's all there is.



I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend...

Easy way out?

I finally saw Valentine's Day, and it's such a cute movie. Very hopeful and bright, like...it's like the screen is whispering that life can get better. Definitely not something I haven't seen before, since it's a classic romantic film, but one of the best I've seen in a long while. I laughed, I cried and the soundtrack is unbelievably amazing. I thought I was going to hate it, since it was all about love, two entire hours, but I was so wrong. Must see, regardless of your relationship status.

I also saw The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus and this movie surprised me. I was expecting only fantasy and while it did deliver on that part, quite brilliantly, it also gave me that weird feeling that this world is definitely ruled by higher powers. And I was never one to believe in such things, so I was in complete awe by the time the movie was over. I don't recommend it unless you're ready to accept that there are things in life you cannot understand and you don't even try. It's a good film, though. A bit odd at first, but if you look deep into the essence, it'll get better. And it has awesome cast: Johnny Depp, Jude Law, Colin Farell and the late Heath Ledger.

What else.
I started this week in a strange way and while it has happened to me before, I always end up saying it won't ever happen again. What is it with us people that we need to walk on the same paths even though we know they're only going to take us in all the wrong places? My therapy session was a bit dramatic, considering I'm not actually doing something. And that is frustrating, duh. Every time I leave that office, I feel like I'm ready to conquer the world and then...well, I end up making the wrong choices, all over again. It's pretty sad, actually.

I'm so tired of feeling conflicted. I miss those days when I could wake up and breathe easy, knowing it was going to be a good day. That I didn't have to think over and over again about the future, life, what, where, when, why. No more questions, no more answers. No more having to lie through my teeth and pretend I'm okay. I'm not okay, but no one can accept it and deal with it. So, I pretend.

I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.

So yesterday.

I woke up feeling a bit sad today, even though technically I don't have a reason for that. Things could always be worse, no doubt. But there's this senseless feeling of regret overpowering me, every minute of every day. I could have done that, he could have said this and we could have all been a lot happier. So many what ifs that won't ever find a truthful answer. You can't turn back time, so you have to deal with your past in hopes of achieving the future you dream of. So much that sometimes we forget to live in the present...

How do you do that if you constantly stop to think about what happened yesterday? About what could have happened...and if maybe today would have been any different. Would I be different?

Tell me what you see.

You ain't seen the best of me
Give me time, I'll make you forget the rest...

My new obsession, the song from Fame. Every time it comes on shuffle it gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling.

But, I wanted to talk about something else. I've been feeling conflicted for a week now. Give or take a couple of days. Last week, I wondered what it would be like if I would just do one thing, something I had wanted to do for a few years now. And...I did. And my expectations were so high, it ended up completely disappointing me. I always thought it would be exactly as I had pictured it, but it was nowhere close to that. It failed me entirely, leaving me dumbfounded.

I thought it would change how I felt, and it did. Because now I appreciate what I have even more, as twisted as that is. And it is, for me. I'm just so surprised that I can't even believe it. And I kind of want to turn back time, because yet another disappointment was not what I needed right now.


And to end, a song. This song screams ME. So fucking much.

Breakaway.

Yesterday, I had a long talk with one of the few people I still talk to, a friend from high school. And at one point I asked why does he keep calling me, since I generally fail in calling back. His reply made me smile more than I wanted to, because I didn't expect it.

Because you're a genuinely true character, a real personality...

I know it's stupid to see yourself through other people's eyes, I know. But sometimes, we need to hear that others appreciate us, too. And for some reason ever since he told me that, I've been having this feeling of complete victory. That I really can do anything, because it doesn't matter if you fail or not, the important thing is to try.


Revelations, for the win.
This week I want to see Valentine's Day, with or without someone. I heard it's really cute and I really love Taylor Swift, so I'm seeing it.

And a nice song to end this short entry, dedicated to the one that doesn't read this blog. The one that haunts many entries of mine, hah.

I want.

I was instructed to make a list with what I want/expect from others, so that people can be informed. Obviously.

1. Someone to know how I feel from a single glance.
2. Someone to know me so well, they can guess my desires.
3. Someone to love me exactly how I am, a little crazy and neurotic.
4. Someone to remember my birthday and just call, I don't need gifts. That someone would be a gift in itself, so hearing their voice would be the best.
5. Someone to be patient with me when I have problems, not tell me to get over them cause they're not important.
6. Someone to listen to me, even when I ramble about my favorite TV show.
7. Someone to hug me when I'm down and be there for me.
8. Someone to give me those butterflies, that oh-my-god-I-love-her feeling.
9. Someone to take me out dancing, even if they don't dance much.
10. Someone to give my heart to, without getting it back broken into pieces.
And if this is too much, then I don't want anyone.
I don't want you to ask me to change, because I'm not asking you to change. So how is that fair?

I'm tired of bad excuses and sad afternoons. I'm tired of trying, because I'm never good enough. I'm tired of being here.
I'm tired of the unbalance between people in relationships. This is why I would like to avoid them from now on. If you can't accept me as your equal, then don't bother looking my way. Ever.


There you go. List for your soul.
I hope you're happy now.


I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
I love you forever, forever is over.

Lie, lie, lie.

I know that there's no turning back,
If we put too much light on this, we'll see through all the cracks...

Nice song. So much truth behind just a few little words.
Today has been...conflicting. I feel relieved, confused, hurt, angry, happy. Too many emotions for such a tiny body. Our Valentine's party was joyful and I was glad to have at least a reason to see this day as a good one. Dancing makes me forget about everything and it did its job, as per usual. Good. Otherwise, I would have had to think about the unnamed that is...well, a random. No names, because he doesn't deserve a name. Britney's song, 'Oops, I did it again' comes to mind when I think about today...

Oops, I did it again,
I played with your heart
Got lost in the game.

How many times can a heart be toyed with before it's broken beyond repair? I'm a fool in so many ways... It's not even worth it. Not anymore. Maybe when we were young and in love, not now. I used to remember the good things, now all I can think of are the bad ones. That's not how it's supposed to be.



And it's not.
Not anymore.
I just don't want to believe in this ending, let the cameras roll on, keep pretending.

Valentine's Weekend.

Valentine's shitty weekend.
That should have been the title of this blog. I was up pretty late this whole week, going to bed at 4am, thinking about stuff that really shouldn't matter. It's weird how much sleep you can miss because you're dwelling on things that only matter to you. I thought about Valentine's Day, of course, and how I was determined to make it better on my own. So I had planned to go out with the girls, totally ignoring any form of boys. However I needed some information, for which I had to contact my pseudo-boyfriend.

Well. Last week he told me I had to change and get better and shit like that. I, as per usual, said I was going to try. So I started calling him again, after months in which he had been the only one to do it. That shows I'm trying, right? I'm not imagining things. Of course, he wasn't of much help and I'm not entirely surprised. He gives off the vibe that he could care less about what I want, so I'm thinking I should be doing the same. Sometimes I wish I were a boy, cause they don't give a fuck. I want to not give a fuck. Must learn that. Soon.

Moving on.
I had this all typed up maybe three hours ago?
Good. Now it turns out someone does care about this weekend.
I'm confused, hurt, a little dirty. Hah.
Regardless, I'm not taking back what I said.

I'm just adding that sometimes we have to ignore the nice gestures people try to do in order to make sure they won't be able to hurt us anymore. And that is perhaps one of the hardest things in life.


I'm having cake now. To celebrate my Valentine's weekend. It might be a silly holiday, but I'm such a sucker for these things. I like to be happy. Even if I have to pretend things are okay. I give myself five minutes of peace, quiet and serenity.

Disappointing mothers, since 1987.

Yesterday I had a fight with a friend. She wasn't a super close friend, so I wasn't ready to have a full blown bitch fight when she proudly announced she's annoyed at the whole world, everyone including me. Obviously. But when she started being a drama queen, I had to break it to her: the whole world does not revolve around one person, as selfish as one can be. Of course she didn't like it, so she sent me to hell and I proceeded to erase her contact details.

It wasn't a huge deal. Not the actual fight, no. But it got me to thinking: what exactly gives one the right to demand everyone's attention and moral support? Yes, I have a good record at being a good friend and offering my shoulder to many people. I do it willingly and I rarely ask for something in return. That's just me, though. But when someone starts calling me names or sends me to the hottest flames of hell? Yeah, I'm done. After all, I do my best not to be rude to anyone and I expect the same respect, at least from someone who is supposed to be my friend, close or not.

End rant.
Well, no. I have to rant about something else.
I freaking hate some people. When you're mad, you suck. When you're calm, why aren't you mad? Seriously?! Make up your own damn minds. I'm so tired of this permanent 'changing-my-mind-whenever-I-feel-like-it', if you're not a girl, you're not supposed to do that. And even if you're a girl! It's no excuse for all the bullshit. So I'm SO done. O to the ver. I'm determined to live my life with or without you. Sure, I would have preferred having you by my side, but since you're also determined in drifting apart, I'm not trying anymore. I have a limit, too. And I think I've just reached it. The end.

End rant number 2.
Today has been such a shitty day. I need new glasses, so I'm getting a pair of funky ones, if I have to wear them all the time.
I still haven't read those books I need to read for my exam, but I'm hoping my experience with reading will come in handy.
I have homework.
Valentine's Day is almost here and it's going to suck, as per usual. (Really now? What is the point in having a boyfriend if he sucks when it comes to shit like this? YES, I'M A GIRL AND I CARE ABOUT SILLY SHIT LIKE VALENTINE'S DAY). Ugh.
And I'm sorry I vent in a blog instead of calling the person I'm mad at and let it all out. I'm so much better than this. Even I know that, with all my low self-esteem.

Sigh.
I hope this week ends well.
I will end up exploding if not.
And I'm hoping the rest of the world is better off than I am right now.



Love,
Southern Belle.

Survey time.

The Everything Personality Survey

Please note that the dumb title was not my idea. I found it on www.bzoink.com (credit where credit is due) and it helped cure my boredom. For a little while, obviously.
Warning: it's long and uninteresting.

Let's get a.l.p.h.a.b.e.t.i.c.a.l.
I'm adamant about: my beliefs.
I'm beautiful in the sense that: I just am?! Lol. I don't like this question.
I cherish: the ones I love, mostly. Oh! And my Blue collection, duh.
I'm determined to: live life at its fullest.
I enjoy: spending time with friends, laughing at random stuff, reading a good book, watching a sappy chick flick. You name it, I enjoy it.
I'll fight for: love.
I'd give my life for: justice and equal rights.
My heart is: taken.
I'm intelligent in the area of: communication.
One thing I'll never joke about is: abortion and babies.
I'd kill for: nothing, nothing at all.
I believe love is: hard to get and impossible to keep.
I'm mean because: I can.
I'm nice because: I like you.
I'll be okay as long as: I keep dreaming and hoping.
Sometimes I pretend to be: someone I'm not.
I'm quizzical about: pretty much everything.
I respect: boundaries.
I seek: affection and sympathy.
I try to be: better every day.
I understand that: things can't go my way. Doesn't mean I like it, too.
I vie for: I don't really vie.
I wish: my dreams would come true.
My kind of Xanadu is: London. With friends and love. In a different, better world.
If all the world could hear me, I'd yell: stop being so selfish and start giving.
Religious zeal is: for religious people.


Let's get s.i.t.u.a.t.i.o.n.a.l.
Go to school with a tutu on or dress up like a mall Goth?
Both. Different occasions.

Go to the cemetery alone at midnight or pants a friend in public?
Cemetery alone at midnight.

Embarrass yourself in front of someone you love or in front of a stranger?
Stranger.

Get chili in your eye or slice your arm?
Chili. Definitely.

Kiss a frog or eat raw fish?
Gross and gross.

Read a dictionary for an entire hour or do push-ups for two?
Reading the dictionary.

Having to listen to Green Day for an entire day or listen to Mozart once?
Mozart once, even though I love Green Day.

Brushing your teeth for a day or combing your hair for an hour?
Combing my hair, jesus.

Having to read the poetry on Quizilla or writing your own?
I hate poetry!!

Roleplaying with strangers or roleplaying with people you know?
We're talking about WRITING, right? In this case, both.

Spending 98019820398123 hours on the 'Net or having a life?
Having a life.

Falling in love on the 'Net or revealing a deep, dark secret?
Deep, dark secret.

Crying because of an Internet fight or flaming the people involved?
Hah. Neither one.

Ignoring a suicide post on a forum or actually doing something about it?
Doing something about it.

Catching fireflies at night or staring up at clouds during the day?
Fireflies at night.

Taking a walk with your best friend or playing catch with them?
Taking a walk, then playing catch!

Being honked at or having some college kid tell you you're hot?
College kid.

Going to the movies or hosting a party?
The movies. Hosting parties is hard and messy.

Kissing a stranger or falling in love with someone who just doesn't care?
Kissing a stranger.

Going to school shirtless or without any pants?
Shirtless.

Taking a hike in the woods or going to a public pool?
Public pool.

Being intellectually superior or having a dozen friends?
Intellectually superior.

Getting a paper cut or stubbing your toe?
Stubbing my toe.

Getting rained on or having a water balloon fight?
Both.

Being OCD or being forced to do tons of homework for the rest of your life?
OCD.

Singing in front of an audience or bungee jumping?
Bungee jumping.

Killing a friend or living on the streets?
Neither.


If o.n.l.y.
If you could be in the arms of anyone at all: the one I love.
If you could visit anyone or anything in the world: London, London, London. And my online friends!
If you had functioning wings, would you fly away? Yes.
If you saw the person you knew you were destined to be with: I'd tell them. Or maybe jump in their arms.
If you could be anything in the world: I'd be me, most likely.
If you were to make someone's life better, whom would you help? *That someone, obviously.
How would you help them? By doing anything and everything I can.
If you could have a superhuman ability, which one would you choose? Invisibility. Or flying.

On a scale from o.n.e. to f.i.v.e.
How attractive do you think you are?
There's no zero, dammit. Hmm, maybe 2.
Intelligent?
5!
Empathetic?
5
Polite?
4
Respectful?
3
Comical?
4
Mature?
1
Unique?
3
Talkative?
4
Depressed?
5+
Friendly?
3
Outgoing?
2
Selfish?
3
Arrogant?
2
Prudent?
5
Self-conscious?
4
How attractive are you thought to be by others?
Others should answer, I think.


You in s.o.c.i.e.t.y.
Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance?
Not really.

How about your reputation?
That, either.

Do you care if they think of you as something you're not?
Not really, no.

Do you care if they consider your personality annoying?
Nope.

Do you care about what they think of your beliefs?
Yes.

What does hatred mean to you?
Useless emotion.

Do you respect yourself?
I could use some more respect.

Would you ever ignore someone who has been emotionally hurt?
No.

Physically?
Nope.

Would you ever intentionally and physically hurt someone?
I want to say no, but I never say never.

Intentionally and emotionally?
See above.

Would you ever hurt someone just for fun?
No, not for fun.

Do the means ever justify the ends?
Most of the times, they actually do.

T.h.e. e.n.d.

Dead to me.

I've read recently a topic on a random forum. A thread about love and how exactly do we know the person next to us. Or if we get to know them for real...

I think that should have been the question. Not how or why. But if.
If only.




I am.
Self-centered.
Sometimes selfish.
Stubborn.
Sweet.
Considerate.
Thoughtful.
Unbalanced.
Indecisive.
Flexible.
Tolerant.
Cute.
Generous.
Jealous.
Sometimes possessive.
Indulgent.
Pretentious.

And so many others. I am me, but do you want to get to know me? Do you really want to test my love?
I have my fair share of flaws, but for them I compensate in love, sex and magic. If only you were willing to accept me and stop trying to change me. I won't change. I am me, take it or leave it.

And every heart is breaking,
With every ghost I'm chasing...

I'm in a P!nk mood.

I'm not really talking about the singer, though You and your hand sounds like a good song for today's mood. Whenever I start my day off well, it has to end up sucky. Oh well, I guess I'm used to it by now.

What I wanted to say more than anything was that I really love you and then you don't even want to talk. Whatever, after all...I guess I'm trying for me, not for us. It certainly seems that way, from where I'm sitting.

Anyway.
I managed to change my mind about my future, or at least think about change. I'm all about permanence and change lately, so I'm not surprised. I do, however, not appreciate when certain people make me think about a possible future and then, go around and change everything, with not even a word. It hurts. Cause I get my hopes up high and then, you go around and kill them without a warning. Not good, dude, not good. I was so sure of what I wanted to do with my life and now...I'm sitting here wondering if I had it all figured out. Apparently I didn't. I did not know that love gives someone the power to break you. It really does.




Broken beyond repair...