Come what may.

8 days until London and things are getting interesting. It seems that only now, when I'm about to flee, people remember I exist. My dad suddenly realizes I'm a human being rather than just a piece of meat with a heart. Actually, I could almost say he remembered I was his daughter and not a simple furniture piece he could move around. My friend from high school wants to 'spend a last night with me' as he put and all I could was laugh at that. Like, no.

Surprisingly, I had a nice time these last couple of days. I didn't think things could end in this way, but life gives me a lesson yet again. What I thought would be disastrous and painful, turned out to be hopeful and insightful. I'm going to miss this guy that made me so happy and so miserable at the same time. His random babbling about cars, his constant need to be in control, his insane driving skills. Oh yes. And although he says I will be coming back to him, I can't help but smile bitterly knowing that I won't. Whether things end here or not, I do know I'm not coming back. Of course he can totally come to London, but will he? I honestly doubt it. Life.

I bought a gigantic suitcase, filled it up with all my favorite clothes only to realize that it's too heavy. Actually, it weighs more than I do, so it's clearly a no-no. So, I bought another one, smaller this time. And...big surprise? I managed to put almost everything I wanted in it. It's still heavy, but at least I won't need to make it drag me instead. I joked about this whole thing and said I needed to buy a couple of guys to help me with it. Right. I still have a bunch of things to take with me and that's going to be a problem, I think I might have to let go of some. So hard. I don't know who is going to make those decisions, hah.

I'm sad. Sad that I'm leaving twenty two years behind and will have to start all over again. Like a baby taking the first steps. But I'm happy, too. Because technically real life is about to start and while it's scary, it's also exciting. Though I must say...there's some advantages in being at home, with friends and family. I can only wonder what this new stage will bring me, and hope I can overcome whatever life decides to throw at me.

Bring it on :)
Food for the soul, as per usual. I love this song.

Afterboom.

T minus 14 days.
Two weeks from now, I'll be on a plane, heading to London. I'm scared and I'm not entirely sure of what I will find there. But I'm so glad I'm leaving this life behind, with absolutely everything in it. Well, maybe not everything. I'm taking with me a couple of friendships I would like to keep. ;)
The new and improved me is ready to take the world by storm and I probably won't stop until every single one of my dreams comes true. Optimistic? Maybe, but I'm so tired of all the negative thinking, I'm determined to change that about myself.

Let's see.
I saw Nowhere Boy this week. The movie about how John Lennon came to be...well, John Lennon. And I must say, my expectations were way too high. The actor playing Paul McCartney was brilliant! Totally my favorite. And John's character came across as highly insensitive to the world around him, though he was trying so hard not to seem that way. The soundtrack was amazing, that I can say. I'm definitely downloading it, as soon as my to-do list gets smaller. All in all, the movie won't blow your mind away and it's not a must-see, but it's a nice way to spend your afternoon. And something that made me giggle? I went with a friend and we were the only two people in the theater. Funny.

My to-do list.
Is huge. Leaving on the 8th of April doesn't give me much time to do things, so every minute of my time is accounted for. I have to go to school and finally get my papers, I have to go to my doctor and get my medical record, I have to pick up my new passport, plus find a bigger suitcase and manage to pack stuff for an entire year there. Impossible? Let's not say that. I just hope my dad won't throw away the rest of my things, seeing as I will be needing them once I settle there for good. I bought my plane ticket today and I found myself smiling. Bittersweet, but a smile nonetheless. I feel like I'm about to bungee jump without a cord and it's exhilarating, though scary as hell. And for the first time in almost forever, I feel like myself again. Like I had been hiding all this time and now it's finally time to set myself free. And wish for the best, of course.

I'm currently staring at my London pictures on the wall. Who would've thought?
Looks like dreams do actually come true. Even for me.


Power song! Or sort of, hah.

Breaking dawn.

Lady Gaga's Telephone video? Stupid. The song is nice, though.
I want to watch every season of The Tudors.
I can't wait for the new Harry Potter movie.
I realized my parents will never consider me a perfectly capable adult.
Also, people are never what they seem to be.
I listened to music until my ears hurt.
I want to stay awake 24 hours and do nothing but chat online.
I have to buy a bigger suitcase.
I'm leaving the country after Easter.
I'm spending said Easter here, on my own.
I miss him. And my friends.
I must get my medical record and school papers.
I have to make sure my passport is valid, though I'm still searching for it. (hah, the struggles of being disorganized)
Therapy session tomorrow.
New Gossip Girl episode tomorrow. (or at least I think)
I hope I can find a ticket for Legally Blonde, the musical in London. Duncan, Duncan, Duncan! :)
I started sorting through my clothes and things, I own too many, seriously.
Did I mention I miss people? Sigh.

I'm finally breaking away...

Song for the soul. As per usual.

Movie night.

Remember me...

I was in the mood for a sappy movie tonight and I picked Robert Pattinson's latest film, Remember Me. I was alone and I felt a bit awkward considering the cinema was filled with couples, but I got past that feeling as soon as the scenes started rolling. The movie is...well, it's not a brilliant movie. Average at best, with a predictable ending and mediocre acting. Pattinson played the same introverted late adolescent, tormented by family issues and Emilie de Ravin was the perfectly disturbed blonde, hiding an awful childhood secret. The action takes place in 2001 and it shows a not so heartbreaking love story with an ending that will make you want to cry, even with its predictability. I wouldn't strongly recommend it, though if you want a nice way to spend two hours, it's a good choice. Plus, romance is always a great subject, especially one that ends painfully.

Or maybe I'm just a masochist, hah.

My life plans are still fuzzy and weird, but I'm taking each day at the time, just tasting it, like I've been advised. My London life will start most likely this spring/summer, since the only thing keeping me here is my therapy. Otherwise, I've started to think about where to go, where to stay and what to do, packing and making sure I have everything I need to leave. It's certainly going to be the adventure of a lifetime.

Inspirational song! Enjoy.

First day of the rest of my life.

If today was your last day,
Tomorrow was too late, could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Could you?

Sigh. This weekend was too eventful for my taste. After one long Friday evening spent arguing with my dad about school, life and my mental state I finally managed to break free. Two months of therapy and I actually told my dad that I'm going to do my own thing from now on. I must say I didn't expect this to happen so soon, but nevertheless I'm glad it did.

Consequences? No more money, no more going home and...basically, that's it. Looking for a job, dropping out of that stupid school I hate, maybe leaving the country sooner than I had planned, possibly after Easter, who knows. Right now, I'm completely exhilarated by the fact that I don't have to go home every weekend and report to my parents. I thought it was going to feel bad, since I literally have no support right now. But nope, it feels like I could climb mount Everest, if I wanted to. Refreshing.


:)

Kill me now.

Silence is golden.
I've been told by many people that it's useful to shut up, every once in a while. Kind of hard to achieve, considering I'm all about talking, communicating...

I had a revelation early this week. I can't possibly know what I want from my life, since I don't know who I am anymore. I spent so much time trying to disguise myself, that I don't know which one of my many faces is the real one, the one that matters. So instead of chasing my future, I'm now determined to chase my true self, even though I laugh at it. Life gets only harder, it seems.

On a more positive note. I watched The Secret and I have to give many thanks to my wonderful friend, Alina, since it was her suggestion. A documentary that definitely put a smile on my face and gave me a lot of stuff to think about, good things and how one can achieve them. Certainly a breath of fresh air.

What else, what else.
Oh yes. Alice in Wonderland, 3D, Tim Burton version. IMAX and 3D = definitely worth it. It'll blow your mind away, and might leave you with a tiny headache, but still an amazing addition to the industry. The movie in itself? I wanted to love it, but I don't. It's a Tim Burton classic and on that note, it delivers. It's fast-paced, brilliantly designed and Johnny Depp plays the Mad Hatter part like it was designed for him. And mind you, I don't actually like Johnny, but in this film he surprised me. I do recommend it, it's a nice version of the famous book and it sort of picks up the story from an older version, the one with Tina Majorino from 1999. So yeah, go see it. If anything, the 3D glasses will amuse you for a short while. And if you're into the whole Alice thing? Syfy released an awesome 2 episode series, called simply 'Alice'. It's on DVD now and I strongly recommend it to anyone who wants to see a more modern replay of the same old story.

So much babble. Lee Ryan is finally releasing a new single, called 'Secret Love'. And if you know me, then you'll know I'm jumping for joy. London is definitely calling my name. Ta ta.



I'm not a The Rasmus fan, but this song makes my heart melt, just saying.

Fairytale.

What are movies made of?
Real life. Real, raw feelings brought to screen in an attempt to make us feel better for a little while.

Why?
When life is so much like a movie, why do we go to the cinemas to stare at life? This is what I thought about today.

Because...Sigh. I want my life to feel like a fairytale, from the butterflies in my stomach to my oh-so-wanted happy ending. I want a love so powerful that it can take my breath away and leave me speechless while I gaze into someone's eyes. That feeling of completion that we so often see on screen, but so rarely in real life. Something that consumes me entirely and yet, gives me plenty of energy to live another amazing day. Something that contradicts my whole being and at the same time agrees with everything that I am.

Flowers blossoming, a soft breeze, a quiet, colorful sunset...Lips brushing against my skin, bringing me to life.

Whatever happened to that? I used to have it, feel it, breathe it. Used to.
Time is unforgiving, with everything and everyone.
And here I stand, wanting a love that can last forever and a day. Or three days after forever. Either way...

Can you meet me halfway?

I'm stupid.

Definitely.
I hate lies. I hate liars more than I hate lies.
I don't need to be lied, I can take the hard, cold truth. I'm not going to cry and act like a five year old, stomping my feet because I didn't get my new toy. I'm not going to beg for a better outcome or for a nicer treatment. No.
And if there's one true thing? Lies are always discovered. I don't have to look too hard into the matter, somehow I always end up knowing the truth and it hurts more than if you would have told me yourself.

I feel stupid, small, useless, suffocated, unimportant, random, unacknowledged.


I hate lies more than I hate this stupid world. More than I hate it when I have to pretend I'm okay. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

And I hate myself for letting you get away with it every single time. Because I can forgive and forget, but you can't. How unfair. Who the hell lied to me and told me life was fair?

Just lies.
That's all there is.



I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend...

Easy way out?

I finally saw Valentine's Day, and it's such a cute movie. Very hopeful and bright, like...it's like the screen is whispering that life can get better. Definitely not something I haven't seen before, since it's a classic romantic film, but one of the best I've seen in a long while. I laughed, I cried and the soundtrack is unbelievably amazing. I thought I was going to hate it, since it was all about love, two entire hours, but I was so wrong. Must see, regardless of your relationship status.

I also saw The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus and this movie surprised me. I was expecting only fantasy and while it did deliver on that part, quite brilliantly, it also gave me that weird feeling that this world is definitely ruled by higher powers. And I was never one to believe in such things, so I was in complete awe by the time the movie was over. I don't recommend it unless you're ready to accept that there are things in life you cannot understand and you don't even try. It's a good film, though. A bit odd at first, but if you look deep into the essence, it'll get better. And it has awesome cast: Johnny Depp, Jude Law, Colin Farell and the late Heath Ledger.

What else.
I started this week in a strange way and while it has happened to me before, I always end up saying it won't ever happen again. What is it with us people that we need to walk on the same paths even though we know they're only going to take us in all the wrong places? My therapy session was a bit dramatic, considering I'm not actually doing something. And that is frustrating, duh. Every time I leave that office, I feel like I'm ready to conquer the world and then...well, I end up making the wrong choices, all over again. It's pretty sad, actually.

I'm so tired of feeling conflicted. I miss those days when I could wake up and breathe easy, knowing it was going to be a good day. That I didn't have to think over and over again about the future, life, what, where, when, why. No more questions, no more answers. No more having to lie through my teeth and pretend I'm okay. I'm not okay, but no one can accept it and deal with it. So, I pretend.

I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.