Not an illusion.

Someone asked me the other day if I saw myself with her for a long time. I mumbled something about hoping it was the case, and then went back to work like I didn't just pass judgment on my entire future. In a blink of an eye, I didn't even consider an alternative. Crazier things have happened, I know...

On my way home, sitting on a half empty bus, watching London's nightlights go by, I surrendered to the fear that was slowly creeping in. For the longest minute, my head screamed at me loud and clear. Future plans, holidays planned months in advance, conversations about potentially growing old together... She's behind me on everything I want to do and calls me on my bullshit every single time. I have nowhere to hide when she's around me. And that's a little scary, perhaps even worth my mind yelling at me.

I did manage to keep my head cool and eventually the screaming subsided, as it should be. She makes me fall in love with her time and time again and that's exactly what I was looking for in a significant other. No, she's not perfect and I'm far from it, but that's what makes us two completely different people with somewhat similar life views. And while our lives apart have been significantly different from every point of view, customs or belief systems, it seems legit that we're now making plans for our future together. It feels right. Like a jigsaw puzzle falling together at the right time.

I always say we should just start with today. It seems to have worked for the last three months and it's given me memories to last a lifetime. She gave me those moments and for that, the future can wait. The present is just too good to lose.

Keeper for life.

I slowly trace your skin with my fingers and silently let out a sigh of relief. You're fast asleep and don't know I'm quietly wishing this would never end. This night is no different than the others we've spent together over the last three months, but somehow my desire burns brighter and hotter on this cold September hour.

You know by now. I've made it quite clear, although you're always cautious with your words and don't give anything away. At times, I can feel it, but I long to hear it, for it doesn't seem real otherwise. Is that stupid? To wish to hear things you know they're there, but aren't quite sure of...?

As soon as the morning comes, the magic of this moment will be gone and we'll go back to our mundane, day-to-day issues, which I'm more than happy to do. As long as you leave the house and come back to me, it's okay...

Sometimes, I wish you didn't make me so happy. Happiness is so fleeting that I'm continuously scared of it. I enjoy it, but I can't help but wait for the turn of the wheel. I know, you said it: it won't make me any less unhappy if I keep waiting for it. But it's not that. I just don't think I deserve it.
The happiness, that is. The joy you bring me seems unreal, it makes my whole spirit go up in flames. And I burn, oh how I burn.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not sitting here waiting for this to end and the sadness to start. I'm also done with being cautious and guarded. I'm all in. All in. I just don't know if you are. And, like many other things I can't control, that is okay, too.