So yesterday.

I woke up feeling a bit sad today, even though technically I don't have a reason for that. Things could always be worse, no doubt. But there's this senseless feeling of regret overpowering me, every minute of every day. I could have done that, he could have said this and we could have all been a lot happier. So many what ifs that won't ever find a truthful answer. You can't turn back time, so you have to deal with your past in hopes of achieving the future you dream of. So much that sometimes we forget to live in the present...

How do you do that if you constantly stop to think about what happened yesterday? About what could have happened...and if maybe today would have been any different. Would I be different?

Tell me what you see.

You ain't seen the best of me
Give me time, I'll make you forget the rest...

My new obsession, the song from Fame. Every time it comes on shuffle it gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling.

But, I wanted to talk about something else. I've been feeling conflicted for a week now. Give or take a couple of days. Last week, I wondered what it would be like if I would just do one thing, something I had wanted to do for a few years now. And...I did. And my expectations were so high, it ended up completely disappointing me. I always thought it would be exactly as I had pictured it, but it was nowhere close to that. It failed me entirely, leaving me dumbfounded.

I thought it would change how I felt, and it did. Because now I appreciate what I have even more, as twisted as that is. And it is, for me. I'm just so surprised that I can't even believe it. And I kind of want to turn back time, because yet another disappointment was not what I needed right now.


And to end, a song. This song screams ME. So fucking much.

Breakaway.

Yesterday, I had a long talk with one of the few people I still talk to, a friend from high school. And at one point I asked why does he keep calling me, since I generally fail in calling back. His reply made me smile more than I wanted to, because I didn't expect it.

Because you're a genuinely true character, a real personality...

I know it's stupid to see yourself through other people's eyes, I know. But sometimes, we need to hear that others appreciate us, too. And for some reason ever since he told me that, I've been having this feeling of complete victory. That I really can do anything, because it doesn't matter if you fail or not, the important thing is to try.


Revelations, for the win.
This week I want to see Valentine's Day, with or without someone. I heard it's really cute and I really love Taylor Swift, so I'm seeing it.

And a nice song to end this short entry, dedicated to the one that doesn't read this blog. The one that haunts many entries of mine, hah.

I want.

I was instructed to make a list with what I want/expect from others, so that people can be informed. Obviously.

1. Someone to know how I feel from a single glance.
2. Someone to know me so well, they can guess my desires.
3. Someone to love me exactly how I am, a little crazy and neurotic.
4. Someone to remember my birthday and just call, I don't need gifts. That someone would be a gift in itself, so hearing their voice would be the best.
5. Someone to be patient with me when I have problems, not tell me to get over them cause they're not important.
6. Someone to listen to me, even when I ramble about my favorite TV show.
7. Someone to hug me when I'm down and be there for me.
8. Someone to give me those butterflies, that oh-my-god-I-love-her feeling.
9. Someone to take me out dancing, even if they don't dance much.
10. Someone to give my heart to, without getting it back broken into pieces.
And if this is too much, then I don't want anyone.
I don't want you to ask me to change, because I'm not asking you to change. So how is that fair?

I'm tired of bad excuses and sad afternoons. I'm tired of trying, because I'm never good enough. I'm tired of being here.
I'm tired of the unbalance between people in relationships. This is why I would like to avoid them from now on. If you can't accept me as your equal, then don't bother looking my way. Ever.


There you go. List for your soul.
I hope you're happy now.


I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
I love you forever, forever is over.

Lie, lie, lie.

I know that there's no turning back,
If we put too much light on this, we'll see through all the cracks...

Nice song. So much truth behind just a few little words.
Today has been...conflicting. I feel relieved, confused, hurt, angry, happy. Too many emotions for such a tiny body. Our Valentine's party was joyful and I was glad to have at least a reason to see this day as a good one. Dancing makes me forget about everything and it did its job, as per usual. Good. Otherwise, I would have had to think about the unnamed that is...well, a random. No names, because he doesn't deserve a name. Britney's song, 'Oops, I did it again' comes to mind when I think about today...

Oops, I did it again,
I played with your heart
Got lost in the game.

How many times can a heart be toyed with before it's broken beyond repair? I'm a fool in so many ways... It's not even worth it. Not anymore. Maybe when we were young and in love, not now. I used to remember the good things, now all I can think of are the bad ones. That's not how it's supposed to be.



And it's not.
Not anymore.
I just don't want to believe in this ending, let the cameras roll on, keep pretending.

Valentine's Weekend.

Valentine's shitty weekend.
That should have been the title of this blog. I was up pretty late this whole week, going to bed at 4am, thinking about stuff that really shouldn't matter. It's weird how much sleep you can miss because you're dwelling on things that only matter to you. I thought about Valentine's Day, of course, and how I was determined to make it better on my own. So I had planned to go out with the girls, totally ignoring any form of boys. However I needed some information, for which I had to contact my pseudo-boyfriend.

Well. Last week he told me I had to change and get better and shit like that. I, as per usual, said I was going to try. So I started calling him again, after months in which he had been the only one to do it. That shows I'm trying, right? I'm not imagining things. Of course, he wasn't of much help and I'm not entirely surprised. He gives off the vibe that he could care less about what I want, so I'm thinking I should be doing the same. Sometimes I wish I were a boy, cause they don't give a fuck. I want to not give a fuck. Must learn that. Soon.

Moving on.
I had this all typed up maybe three hours ago?
Good. Now it turns out someone does care about this weekend.
I'm confused, hurt, a little dirty. Hah.
Regardless, I'm not taking back what I said.

I'm just adding that sometimes we have to ignore the nice gestures people try to do in order to make sure they won't be able to hurt us anymore. And that is perhaps one of the hardest things in life.


I'm having cake now. To celebrate my Valentine's weekend. It might be a silly holiday, but I'm such a sucker for these things. I like to be happy. Even if I have to pretend things are okay. I give myself five minutes of peace, quiet and serenity.

Disappointing mothers, since 1987.

Yesterday I had a fight with a friend. She wasn't a super close friend, so I wasn't ready to have a full blown bitch fight when she proudly announced she's annoyed at the whole world, everyone including me. Obviously. But when she started being a drama queen, I had to break it to her: the whole world does not revolve around one person, as selfish as one can be. Of course she didn't like it, so she sent me to hell and I proceeded to erase her contact details.

It wasn't a huge deal. Not the actual fight, no. But it got me to thinking: what exactly gives one the right to demand everyone's attention and moral support? Yes, I have a good record at being a good friend and offering my shoulder to many people. I do it willingly and I rarely ask for something in return. That's just me, though. But when someone starts calling me names or sends me to the hottest flames of hell? Yeah, I'm done. After all, I do my best not to be rude to anyone and I expect the same respect, at least from someone who is supposed to be my friend, close or not.

End rant.
Well, no. I have to rant about something else.
I freaking hate some people. When you're mad, you suck. When you're calm, why aren't you mad? Seriously?! Make up your own damn minds. I'm so tired of this permanent 'changing-my-mind-whenever-I-feel-like-it', if you're not a girl, you're not supposed to do that. And even if you're a girl! It's no excuse for all the bullshit. So I'm SO done. O to the ver. I'm determined to live my life with or without you. Sure, I would have preferred having you by my side, but since you're also determined in drifting apart, I'm not trying anymore. I have a limit, too. And I think I've just reached it. The end.

End rant number 2.
Today has been such a shitty day. I need new glasses, so I'm getting a pair of funky ones, if I have to wear them all the time.
I still haven't read those books I need to read for my exam, but I'm hoping my experience with reading will come in handy.
I have homework.
Valentine's Day is almost here and it's going to suck, as per usual. (Really now? What is the point in having a boyfriend if he sucks when it comes to shit like this? YES, I'M A GIRL AND I CARE ABOUT SILLY SHIT LIKE VALENTINE'S DAY). Ugh.
And I'm sorry I vent in a blog instead of calling the person I'm mad at and let it all out. I'm so much better than this. Even I know that, with all my low self-esteem.

Sigh.
I hope this week ends well.
I will end up exploding if not.
And I'm hoping the rest of the world is better off than I am right now.



Love,
Southern Belle.

Survey time.

The Everything Personality Survey

Please note that the dumb title was not my idea. I found it on www.bzoink.com (credit where credit is due) and it helped cure my boredom. For a little while, obviously.
Warning: it's long and uninteresting.

Let's get a.l.p.h.a.b.e.t.i.c.a.l.
I'm adamant about: my beliefs.
I'm beautiful in the sense that: I just am?! Lol. I don't like this question.
I cherish: the ones I love, mostly. Oh! And my Blue collection, duh.
I'm determined to: live life at its fullest.
I enjoy: spending time with friends, laughing at random stuff, reading a good book, watching a sappy chick flick. You name it, I enjoy it.
I'll fight for: love.
I'd give my life for: justice and equal rights.
My heart is: taken.
I'm intelligent in the area of: communication.
One thing I'll never joke about is: abortion and babies.
I'd kill for: nothing, nothing at all.
I believe love is: hard to get and impossible to keep.
I'm mean because: I can.
I'm nice because: I like you.
I'll be okay as long as: I keep dreaming and hoping.
Sometimes I pretend to be: someone I'm not.
I'm quizzical about: pretty much everything.
I respect: boundaries.
I seek: affection and sympathy.
I try to be: better every day.
I understand that: things can't go my way. Doesn't mean I like it, too.
I vie for: I don't really vie.
I wish: my dreams would come true.
My kind of Xanadu is: London. With friends and love. In a different, better world.
If all the world could hear me, I'd yell: stop being so selfish and start giving.
Religious zeal is: for religious people.


Let's get s.i.t.u.a.t.i.o.n.a.l.
Go to school with a tutu on or dress up like a mall Goth?
Both. Different occasions.

Go to the cemetery alone at midnight or pants a friend in public?
Cemetery alone at midnight.

Embarrass yourself in front of someone you love or in front of a stranger?
Stranger.

Get chili in your eye or slice your arm?
Chili. Definitely.

Kiss a frog or eat raw fish?
Gross and gross.

Read a dictionary for an entire hour or do push-ups for two?
Reading the dictionary.

Having to listen to Green Day for an entire day or listen to Mozart once?
Mozart once, even though I love Green Day.

Brushing your teeth for a day or combing your hair for an hour?
Combing my hair, jesus.

Having to read the poetry on Quizilla or writing your own?
I hate poetry!!

Roleplaying with strangers or roleplaying with people you know?
We're talking about WRITING, right? In this case, both.

Spending 98019820398123 hours on the 'Net or having a life?
Having a life.

Falling in love on the 'Net or revealing a deep, dark secret?
Deep, dark secret.

Crying because of an Internet fight or flaming the people involved?
Hah. Neither one.

Ignoring a suicide post on a forum or actually doing something about it?
Doing something about it.

Catching fireflies at night or staring up at clouds during the day?
Fireflies at night.

Taking a walk with your best friend or playing catch with them?
Taking a walk, then playing catch!

Being honked at or having some college kid tell you you're hot?
College kid.

Going to the movies or hosting a party?
The movies. Hosting parties is hard and messy.

Kissing a stranger or falling in love with someone who just doesn't care?
Kissing a stranger.

Going to school shirtless or without any pants?
Shirtless.

Taking a hike in the woods or going to a public pool?
Public pool.

Being intellectually superior or having a dozen friends?
Intellectually superior.

Getting a paper cut or stubbing your toe?
Stubbing my toe.

Getting rained on or having a water balloon fight?
Both.

Being OCD or being forced to do tons of homework for the rest of your life?
OCD.

Singing in front of an audience or bungee jumping?
Bungee jumping.

Killing a friend or living on the streets?
Neither.


If o.n.l.y.
If you could be in the arms of anyone at all: the one I love.
If you could visit anyone or anything in the world: London, London, London. And my online friends!
If you had functioning wings, would you fly away? Yes.
If you saw the person you knew you were destined to be with: I'd tell them. Or maybe jump in their arms.
If you could be anything in the world: I'd be me, most likely.
If you were to make someone's life better, whom would you help? *That someone, obviously.
How would you help them? By doing anything and everything I can.
If you could have a superhuman ability, which one would you choose? Invisibility. Or flying.

On a scale from o.n.e. to f.i.v.e.
How attractive do you think you are?
There's no zero, dammit. Hmm, maybe 2.
Intelligent?
5!
Empathetic?
5
Polite?
4
Respectful?
3
Comical?
4
Mature?
1
Unique?
3
Talkative?
4
Depressed?
5+
Friendly?
3
Outgoing?
2
Selfish?
3
Arrogant?
2
Prudent?
5
Self-conscious?
4
How attractive are you thought to be by others?
Others should answer, I think.


You in s.o.c.i.e.t.y.
Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance?
Not really.

How about your reputation?
That, either.

Do you care if they think of you as something you're not?
Not really, no.

Do you care if they consider your personality annoying?
Nope.

Do you care about what they think of your beliefs?
Yes.

What does hatred mean to you?
Useless emotion.

Do you respect yourself?
I could use some more respect.

Would you ever ignore someone who has been emotionally hurt?
No.

Physically?
Nope.

Would you ever intentionally and physically hurt someone?
I want to say no, but I never say never.

Intentionally and emotionally?
See above.

Would you ever hurt someone just for fun?
No, not for fun.

Do the means ever justify the ends?
Most of the times, they actually do.

T.h.e. e.n.d.

Dead to me.

I've read recently a topic on a random forum. A thread about love and how exactly do we know the person next to us. Or if we get to know them for real...

I think that should have been the question. Not how or why. But if.
If only.




I am.
Self-centered.
Sometimes selfish.
Stubborn.
Sweet.
Considerate.
Thoughtful.
Unbalanced.
Indecisive.
Flexible.
Tolerant.
Cute.
Generous.
Jealous.
Sometimes possessive.
Indulgent.
Pretentious.

And so many others. I am me, but do you want to get to know me? Do you really want to test my love?
I have my fair share of flaws, but for them I compensate in love, sex and magic. If only you were willing to accept me and stop trying to change me. I won't change. I am me, take it or leave it.

And every heart is breaking,
With every ghost I'm chasing...

I'm in a P!nk mood.

I'm not really talking about the singer, though You and your hand sounds like a good song for today's mood. Whenever I start my day off well, it has to end up sucky. Oh well, I guess I'm used to it by now.

What I wanted to say more than anything was that I really love you and then you don't even want to talk. Whatever, after all...I guess I'm trying for me, not for us. It certainly seems that way, from where I'm sitting.

Anyway.
I managed to change my mind about my future, or at least think about change. I'm all about permanence and change lately, so I'm not surprised. I do, however, not appreciate when certain people make me think about a possible future and then, go around and change everything, with not even a word. It hurts. Cause I get my hopes up high and then, you go around and kill them without a warning. Not good, dude, not good. I was so sure of what I wanted to do with my life and now...I'm sitting here wondering if I had it all figured out. Apparently I didn't. I did not know that love gives someone the power to break you. It really does.




Broken beyond repair...