Last night I saw her again. She talked to me and in a whisper of mundane questions, she managed to take away everything I've ever feared. Her smile set my world on fire with the power of a thousand stars and for a moment in time, I was genuinely happy. Not happy - what - if, but happy - happy. And it felt amazing to be able to ignore all the petty problems. With every twirl of her hand, she cast away my worries, replacing them with bittersweet bliss. For a little while, she was mine...
I'll take the sweet pain of knowing she won't ever be truly mine, just for evenings like the last one. In a room full of people, no one else matters to me. I hate how much I've empowered this beautiful soul with every weapon she needs to bring me down on my knees. But I now know there is no other way. She really had me at "hello".
December 28, 2011
December 05, 2011
Everything but me.
Are the ‘old ways’ making a comeback? How many times have you browsed your facebook page only to realise that many of your former high school classmates are now married and with children? Or at least in a long term, very serious relationship. People as young as 24 (such as myself) already sure of the person they want to spend eternity with. Or at least a tiny fraction of it, this lifetime.
It seems to me that only yesterday I was in high school, having a so-called serious conversation with my then best friend about the many challenges life would face us with in the next few years. Of course, the big stepping stones back then were getting our high school diploma and getting into a good college. It was pretty much unanimous, though. Most people our age wanted the same things: a career first and then (maybe) a family. We all wanted fame and success more than anything. We never had conversations about diapers and pacifiers, it was always about offices and cars, planes and expensive restaurants.
Years went by and while we all scattered around the world, I always thought we were united in that one thought: the idea of making something of ourselves. Whilst browsing this social network the other day, I got nostalgic and thought I’d check up on my old friends. People I’ve long lost real contact with. But by befriending them on facebook, I could still keep in touch, reminisce about our golden era and whatnot. Little did I know I was about to get quite the shock. At least half of my former classmates are now married. Some of them have children. Not babies, not toddlers. Children. Old enough to hold a pen in their little hands and scribble their name. And they all babble about the ‘joys of life’, their marriage, offsprings and quiet Sunday lunches with the in-laws.
After the initial jaw-drop moment, I got to thinking. The other half is most likely doing exact what I’m doing. Finding a purpose to life, beyond marital bliss. Building a career, for surely it’s far more important to leave something behind you. Other than a child bearing your surname. Or maybe it’s just me…? Have I gotten so lost in the last five years that I’ve completely missed the point of life? Have I been too blind to notice the little things? In searching for our happiness, it seems that our high school ideas were easily far-fetched. For some. I can’t help but wonder, though. Are they all grown up and happy, whereas I’m still swarming in the childhood pond? Am I grown up enough to realise and admit that for each and every one of us, happiness holds a different definition? Are my old friends still longing for fame and success, despite having the marital status?
While I know it’s a personal choice and everyone has to stand behind their decisions, I can’t help but feel that I’ve been betrayed. In the most metaphorical way possible, of course. I just feel that in choosing to get married straight out of high school or having children at an age where most of them didn’t even know the meaning of life, they all betrayed our once unanimous idea about what life is meant for. Does that mean I think having a career is truer than any other choice? Probably not. But when did it become acceptable to go back to the old ways? When did we start doing what society was telling us to do all along? It feels like we’re moving backwards.
And I've always been a rebel. Remember. The plane takes off against the wind, not with it.
It seems to me that only yesterday I was in high school, having a so-called serious conversation with my then best friend about the many challenges life would face us with in the next few years. Of course, the big stepping stones back then were getting our high school diploma and getting into a good college. It was pretty much unanimous, though. Most people our age wanted the same things: a career first and then (maybe) a family. We all wanted fame and success more than anything. We never had conversations about diapers and pacifiers, it was always about offices and cars, planes and expensive restaurants.
Years went by and while we all scattered around the world, I always thought we were united in that one thought: the idea of making something of ourselves. Whilst browsing this social network the other day, I got nostalgic and thought I’d check up on my old friends. People I’ve long lost real contact with. But by befriending them on facebook, I could still keep in touch, reminisce about our golden era and whatnot. Little did I know I was about to get quite the shock. At least half of my former classmates are now married. Some of them have children. Not babies, not toddlers. Children. Old enough to hold a pen in their little hands and scribble their name. And they all babble about the ‘joys of life’, their marriage, offsprings and quiet Sunday lunches with the in-laws.
After the initial jaw-drop moment, I got to thinking. The other half is most likely doing exact what I’m doing. Finding a purpose to life, beyond marital bliss. Building a career, for surely it’s far more important to leave something behind you. Other than a child bearing your surname. Or maybe it’s just me…? Have I gotten so lost in the last five years that I’ve completely missed the point of life? Have I been too blind to notice the little things? In searching for our happiness, it seems that our high school ideas were easily far-fetched. For some. I can’t help but wonder, though. Are they all grown up and happy, whereas I’m still swarming in the childhood pond? Am I grown up enough to realise and admit that for each and every one of us, happiness holds a different definition? Are my old friends still longing for fame and success, despite having the marital status?
While I know it’s a personal choice and everyone has to stand behind their decisions, I can’t help but feel that I’ve been betrayed. In the most metaphorical way possible, of course. I just feel that in choosing to get married straight out of high school or having children at an age where most of them didn’t even know the meaning of life, they all betrayed our once unanimous idea about what life is meant for. Does that mean I think having a career is truer than any other choice? Probably not. But when did it become acceptable to go back to the old ways? When did we start doing what society was telling us to do all along? It feels like we’re moving backwards.
And I've always been a rebel. Remember. The plane takes off against the wind, not with it.
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