Cry myself out.

End of May. We have a pretty cloudy day here, but that's to be expected. The weather doesn't bother me anymore, I just take it as it comes. You just learn to enjoy the sunny days and be productive on rainy ones, it's as simple as that.

Anyway.
I don't really want to talk about the weather. I don't...want to talk about anything in particular, I just felt like blogging about the end of May. Lately, I've been giving the future a lot of thought, especially what's going to happen once I'm done being an au pair. Various ideas have circled my mind and one seems to get stuck more often than not. Media, PR, journalism, marketing, publishing. Okay, I realize it's more than one idea, but still. So I'm going to try and move forward in that direction. I'm teaching myself proper Spanish, since I'm so good with foreign languages. And I plan on doing the same with French and maybe even some technical stuff, like HTML. Gotta have skills, right? I don't know, I just feel like I have too much time on my hands. How the fuck did that happen?! I read three different books, work 6 to 8 hours every day, I spend time online...it's crazy, I know. My neighbor said it's a sign I'm getting old. I want to say it's a sign I'm growing up.

It'll be summer tomorrow, officially. At the end of this season, I want to know one more foreign language and have read at least fifty books. Plus, visit London and quite possibly, Scotland. Impossible? Nothing is impossible. Trust me, I know.

What are your plans/dreams/desires? Make it happen, no matter what. Until next time.


For some reason every time I listen to this song I feel like I'm on top of the world. And of course, London makes it all better. The people who know me will definitely know why. ;)

Memories.

Sometimes I hate how I can put myself in everyone's shoes and be empathetic with all of them. Because they never say thanks, they never return the favor, they never understand. But I have to understand, and I have to help you and I just have, have, have...

It's been a long couple of weeks and for some reason, I'm spending a lot of time thinking these days. Just wondering what my life is going to be like once I'm done being an au pair and I'll have to face real world yet again. Cause yeah, where I'm at right now is a comfortable place, I get to deal with some things, but a lot of them are still unknown to poor little me. And I have to think about everything, right? Ironic, since I was never one to make long-term plans. Is this what growing up means? I sometimes stare at myself in the mirror and wonder who is that familiar stranger looking back at me. I see myself, but I don't recognize myself. And I'm not unhappy with that conclusion, oddly enough. Weird, huh.

Six weeks later, I'm still happy in London. My newly found friends turned out to be more than just clubbing buddies, they're my new best friends. We cry, we laugh, we get drunk while there's still wine...(this one I've got from one of my best friends back home, bless her). And life does seem a lot easier when you've got people around you. Just like magic.


Vampire Diaries song. I already miss the show. Loving the song, even though it's a sad one. Aren't those the best though? Exactly.

Little Miss Sunshine.

It's been so long since I blogged, I almost forgot how to do it. Except not really, I've just been so busy, I couldn't find the time to brag about how much I love living here. Haha. No, really now. I should be serious. The last ten or so days have been pretty normal, with two cool weekends and a long work week in between. I thought this week would never end, every day was so long and just blah. People think it's so easy to work with children, but it really isn't. You have to constantly know what they're up to, feed them, entertain them, make sure they don't kill themselves in an attempt to climb that wobbly ladder. It's pretty much a full time job and every week night I just feel like sleeping, sleeping, sleeping.

Except for Thursday. This cute eighteen year old I met in a club took me to Central London, in Hyde Park to be accurate. And it was empty and dark and just so London-ish. Central London is definitely something I had missed, so I'm very happy with how the night turned out. Yesterday we went clubbing with a new friend and that was alright. It wasn't too exciting or anything, though we did get phone numbers, compliments etc, the usual. Today we're going to Kingston, in an attempt to revive the lost weekend. And tomorrow I'm going to the movies, so...this really is the long lost weekend. Partying since Thursday?! If this doesn't kill me, then I don't know what will, lol.

A wave of homesickness hit me this week, when my parents celebrated their wedding anniversary. I do love living here and I don't even plan on going back home for the holidays, but sometimes I just need a hug. And while my host family is very kind and I'm sure wouldn't mind sparing hugs, it's just not the same. Yeah, these kids love me and they're getting so attached to me, but it's just not enough. However! My homesickness will not stand in the way of living my dream, because I'm stronger than that and that's just how it's going to be. :)
I do miss my family and my friends. Not the country, because from what I'm hearing...things are just getting crazier there.

Let's see, let's see...I don't think I have anymore updates for now. Or maybe I do, but I just can't remember much. Just blame the alcohol, not me. Still haven't got a camera, still haven't sent my papers in. Stuff just gets dragged on around here. Oh well. Until next time, much love from England.

No regrets, just lessons learned.

I wonder how much we can expand our limits. Physical, emotional etc. If this limit is like a rubber band that once reached, it has to return to its original size.

For example. I never knew how many things I could hold in one hand until I had to take care of someone else's children. This one random day, I found myself holding two bags, different items of clothing and a scooter's handle, to make sure the little girl didn't fall.
Or...that there's no art in making sandwiches, you just have to make sure your fingers are still attached to your hand when you're done.

These are pretty silly examples, but it's the little things that give me a lesson every day.

I was thinking today about my high school friends. Which...they don't really exist. All those promises to keep in touch, they all faded away when we saw the first glimpse of real life. I was going through someone's facebook friends only to notice a lot of my old classmates, so it made me a bit nostalgic.

I never considered myself a full adult, mostly because whenever I needed my parents, they were there. And so, last week we had a big dinner gathering, with our neighbors. This unbelievably charming man, who happens to be the neighbor, asked if I wanted a glass of wine. Nothing too strange, I know. But whenever I'm with my parents, I feel like they judge me if I drink, so I pass. That day, I didn't. And I sat at that table, having my wine with the food, chatting about grown-up stuff. Another silly thing, but it kinda meant something to me.

Last weekend, we went to a new club. And I ended up mixing my drinks, which wasn't the smartest idea. I found myself walking home with my shoes in my hand, because walking in heels while drunk was potentially dangerous. And I know it's not something to be proud of, but I actually like myself more when I'm having fun like that. Not saying you can't have fun without drinking, obviously. And I didn't even have to pay for everything, so that was a plus. 50 pounds worth of alcohol in a club and I didn't pay a penny. I'm such a bad person, I know.

And.
It's been almost a month since I've been here. My life couldn't be better, in all honesty. I think I'm in love with the place I'm at right now, because it gives me the opportunity to see what my limits are, in more ways than one. Because things really turned out to be exactly how I'd hoped, much better than in my home country. Because, while I do miss my parents, sister, a couple of friends, I don't miss that place at all. And most of all, because I can finally be myself without being judged. Thank god for that.

Miley's new song. It's actually pretty good, and I didn't expect that.

Try again.

A whole week without blogging, I must say I miss it. Ranting about my various troubles seems to help, but I can only find one answer to the lack of updates: there's really not that many problems in my life right now. Everything happens for a reason and I find myself exactly where I'm supposed to be. Sure, sometimes I'd like more free time, but there's always a sacrifice to everything.

Last week we walked all the way to Sutton and had a laugh when the English class was canceled. Because we had to walk back to Cheam and then, we realized there wasn't much to do here. So guess what? Oh yes, straight to Sutton we went, laughing all the way there. Good exercise! When I say we, that's me and my three newly found friends. Good girls, rather crazy. Perfect entourage.

I made my first money this week. As in, first time ever when I had to actually work for a paycheck, not just pretend. Life is hard, dude. I was sitting in the park today, watching the kids and thinking how much I'd love to be a child again. To have nothing to worry about other than what toys to play with or...to be a teenager and only think about that guy I saw at the mall. Seriously, children don't even know how better off they are, in their own world.

And then...after three weeks of blessed time, today I had to argue with someone. Seems impossible to have it all, so something had to break. I just wonder why I care...I really wish I didn't. It would be so much easier.


P.S. Watch Vampire Diaries. I cry every time. And the first season is coming to an end soon, which leaves me heartbroken.

Long distance.

Jack is very cute, just so you know. He's twenty years old, lives in Sutton and has two tattoos. Oh, and a job! And he kept whispering sweet nothings into my ear last Saturday, even though I clearly told him it won't matter.

Why am I even saying this to a blog? I don't know, I just felt like typing something, hah. Something about a cute guy who happened to give me his phone number, just in case.

Anyway. On a more serious note, things here are still on the right track. Weekdays spent with the children, weekend nights out with Geraldine. This new me must have been hiding forever now, cause I can't seem to have enough. It got me thinking, though. I spent the last four years of my life pretending to be something I obviously am not and I can't find the reason. But, for once it doesn't even matter. Because apparently partying is me, even though I said it's not.

A trip to London is beginning to appear on the horizon, much to my happiness. I've started drinking coffee, Costa Coffee, every morning. I take India and Luca to school, I pick up my cup of steaming latte, then I head back home, all British looking. I could get used to this lifestyle. Well...minus the children. Cause yes, I've come to the sad /not conclusion that kids are not for me. Sure, I like them and I get along with them just fine, but from my point of view, they only put a stop to what you want to do. When you have them, you have to change everything about yourself. And it doesn't sound so amazing to me, just saying. But more on that later, I never say never.

I actually watched Dear John, the movie. And I was disappointed by the ending, because I wanted it to be sad. Instead, they had a happily ever after and I've wasted my tears for this film. It was a good movie, I won't lie. I just would've liked another ending.

And so, I'm done rambling for the day. I got nostalgic today and thought about a certain someone back home, but not in a positive way, so to speak. So-so. Which is why I'm leaving you with one of my favorite songs. And I don't say that a lot, hah. Taaa-taa!

Week number one.

I figured this day needs a special blog, since it's an important date. One whole week in the UK and I'm still holding strong. I must say, I'm actually quite proud of myself, though there are certain things that annoy me. Like how...no matter what you do, someone will come ruin it no sooner than the second you're done. Par example: cleaning a table, gathering someone's toys. Makes me wanna think twice about the whole 'have your kids' issue, but that's a tale for another time.

We went to see Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang today, which is a funny movie with Ralph Fiennes, Emma Thompson and Maggie Smith. Only my sister will get the references, cause she's a nerd and I love her. But for the untrained eye? Lot of Harry Potter actors, which of course made the film more entertaining. I'm finally learning my way around this town using public transportation, I can safely use their money (hooray for all the math private sessions, they help a lot!) and I'm loving the fact that people here are extremely friendly. My neighbor, Geraldine, she's French and she speaks this broken English, it's hilarious. I'm sensing loads of Saturdays out and that's always a good thing in my book.

What else, what else. Getting my papers ready to send next week, finally getting my own routine around here. The new kitchen is coming up pretty quickly, apparently it's going to look amazing. Until then however, it's nothing but a bunch of dust and drilling noises all day long. Oh well. Can't have everything. I plan on trying out Indian food with my first pay check, in London no less. It's still early to assume, but I kind of feel like my life is on the right track for once. Yeah, it's hard and yeah, it's tiring. But it's worth it. If only certain people would stop trying to second-guess me, that would be wonderful. No matter how many times you say I'm coming home soon, that will not happen. I'm determined to make this right and you can't change that. Stop trying, enjoy life, smell a rose. Best of luck.

Loving this Nickelback song. Enjoy!