Heart vacancy.

I have some stuff on my mind and for some reason I haven't been able to put them down on paper, or blog for that matter. I think it's because once I see them typed out, they'll really be true and then, there's no turning back. But why would I want to turn back anyway? Life goes on.

Emotionally bruised and confused, I stand here wondering if I'll ever feel peace. Just that feeling of complete tranquility. I think not. It would be too easy and I'm a complicated person, deep down I'd be wanting something to happen. I don't know what happened to me or my life, but I'm not sure I'm on the right path. The past came back to haunt me and I always thought everything happens for a reason, but what could that be in this case? Why would having an old flame in my life be a good thing? I have no idea. I just know it feels comfortable, it feels like home. And yet, impossible because of all the things that stand between me and achieving this particular dream. I'm talking serious, real, tangible factors like 5,000 miles of ocean and land. That's how real this obstacle is. Who knows.

Then, there's the issue of injustice I have to deal with every day. I can't understand why things happen the way they do. Why only the most undeserving people get the easiest part of life. Why some of us have to work so damn hard and get nowhere. Why, why, why. The saying with the wheel turning comes to mind, but I've got no time to wait for that. And so I keep working and keep pushing, even though I know in the back of my mind it's all for nothing. Life will always, always, always be like this. Some people get rewarded with everything, while others have to work to get nothing. Injustice, like I said. And if you know me, you'll know it kills me.

So I ask myself: what is it that I'm doing wrong? What's the mistake I'm constantly making that's not letting me get where I want? I'm blind and probably a fool, because more than likely I'll never find the answers. But I can't do anything else but what I'm doing now. Let life unfold and take whatever it's giving me, good or bad. And maybe learn a lesson or two. Because that's what real, tangible, amazing people do. Live and learn.


P.S. I love this song, cause it's...very true. And very mood-inspired. Besides, Daughtry rules. Foreverrr.

It's only the end.

The end of August.
The end of another summer.
The end of an era.
The end of me.

I'm ending this month on a rather sad note. I feel empty, disappointed, hurt. But somehow, hopeful. I'm hoping in a better tomorrow, because I doubt I could sink any lower than this. In matters of feelings, I mean. Nothing so dramatic happened, but I feel so broken after this last week. So much that I gave up something I've held very close to my heart for the last two and a half years. I'm ready to move on now, even though it hurts and it makes me feel forgotten. But some things need to be on their way and perhaps this is the case. If I'm wrong, it'll come back to me. If not, then it's definitely for the better. One cannot spend his or her life longing for something that never shows up.

I've decided to go back to school. Well, only for one course, but it's better than nothing. I'm going crazy not doing anything all day long, so I have to find something useful to do. Thus, my creative writing course. I'm still not sure if it's my best option, but I can't spend another year wondering and wondering. And maybe this will help keep me busy and I won't have enough time to think about the same things over and over again. That would be a nice change of pace.

Anyway. I must leave the online world for now. Too much drama for not a lot of rewarding moments.
Wake me up when September ends...

Covergirl.

I don't understand why time has to be so flighty. One minute it's there, then the next thing I know, it's gone. And as we all know, you can't turn back time, even if you desperately want or need it.

Anyway.
Mid-August and I feel like I'm wasting my life away, partying it up in the weekends and slaving during the week. I know, I know. We all have to start from the bottom and work our way up to the top, but sometimes I think the top is like...you know, in that Tom&Jerry episode when Tom dies and goes on that big escalator to heaven? Yeah, that's how I feel. Except my escalator isn't self-running, I have to literally take every step. And yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm too tired to go on. Like now. Too many things happening at once.

My friends can't get along with each other because one's too stupid and proud to care and the other one...well, she didn't technically do anything wrong, so what the hell. And I'm in the middle, though it's the last place I want to be. I actually want to be on a sunny beach, in the Bahamas. That'd be lovely.

I'm probably unbelievably stupid because of what I'm doing now. Which is exactly what I did over three years ago: push all my friends away because I'm waiting for a guy to call me. "No, I can't go out tonight." Why? Because I'm waiting for a man to call and ask me out. Pathetic? Thought as much. And yet, here I am, having a "quiet weekend". Don't get me wrong, sometimes down time is appreciated, but if it's for the wrong reasons..I don't think they call it a 'down time'.

What else, what else. Last Thursday there was a shooting stars shower in the UK and I took the aforementioned man to the Parliament Hill in London and wow. The view is spectacular! You can see the whole city of London, and it was midnight and the entire city was lit with amazingly colorful lights. It was breathtaking, to be honest. And it was probably my highlight of the week.

I spent a bunch of money today, for no particular reason. Hell, I can think of one: retail therapy. And my tongue piercing is better than ever, if you must know. I'm loving it more and more every day and I can't wait for it to be fully healed, so that I can start buying funky jewelry. I'm a rebel at heart, you knew that.

And with this, I'm done with yet another silly update. For whomever reads this and wants to know how my life is, there you go. But! It's a London life, so that pretty much sums it all up better than I could ever write it in words. Song time! I don't know why I love this song, but I really do.

...

Fuck you, life.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

I don't want to feel anymore. I want to be cruel and numb and heartless. Now. I want to crush all of you because you suck. And mostly, I just want to be alone. Stop talking to me, stop pretending you care, just stop. I don't care.

Not anymore.


I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself

You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.





P.S. I'm angry today. Deal with it.

Stuck in the moment.

It hurts to grow up. There is no one there to help you up when you're down, you have to pull yourself together and inspire yourself to keep on going. Every moment you're off track, you must convince yourself that getting up and moving on is the right thing to do, because deep down you know otherwise you'd just sit against the cold, hard floor and forget all about life. It hurt when I grew up, but it's the sort of pain you get used to it. Life slaps you in the face, reminding you that you are, indeed, alive; time shows you that no one is immortal, therefore you should always live like you're dying. Carpe diem and all of that! And finally, people. They are in your life to prove that we couldn't grow old on our own, because that really would hurt too much.

But I think what hurts the most is when others around you grow up, too. That's maybe the moment you realize life really isn't a game, not anymore. It's not about our dolls or computer games, or silly crushes on cute boys. Not about that call you're waiting sitting by the phone, or about the test you have to pass. As selfish as it may sound, life is all about us. Each and every one of us. But sometimes we'd like the ones we love to never grow up, because then everything suddenly becomes much more real. Perhaps too real.

Growing up shouldn't be this hard. But it is and it happens, inevitably to all of us. The question is...when we're all on the road to old and gray, to live our dreams and face our fears, how do we stay close? How do we manage to keep what we had when we were little? Friends, family, wishes.

Easy. We just don't.

London, friends, hospitals, life.

It seems like it's time for yet another London update. I find it so hard to just sit in front of my computer now, it's crazy. Just mere months ago I was tied to it and now...you should see the amount of dust it collects on a daily basis. But anyway, here goes my lovely update.

First. I had my first encounter with a British hospital. Well, a walk in centre, actually. It's a place where you can go whether you are registered with a GP or not and they treat minor illnesses or can provide useful information if your case is more serious. I had heard so many horror stories about places like this, though, I was afraid to go. However, my bladder decided otherwise so Sunday morning, I woke up bright and early and took two buses to get to St. George's Hospital, Tooting. After filling in the form, I waited about half an hour then a nurse came out, called my name and in I went. About fifteen minutes later, I was out the door, antibiotics at hand, ready to start my way to recovery. Say what?! And here I thought I was going to waste my whole day in a place with a bunch of people that just couldn't afford proper health care. This may sound mean, but I am after all a mean person. No. Really, I am.

Second. YESTERDAY WAS AMAZING! We went to Central London and no matter how much I see it, I'm still in love with it. This relationship is bound to last for many years to come, I'm sure. We barely got off the train and I was smiling like crazy. Keep in mind I was crazy sick, but I didn't care. It's London, what the hell! We took the tube to Covent Garden and then walked all the way to Trafalgar Square. London is breathtaking, seriously. So many people, so many different things to see and do, it's like every corner of every street hides something else. We didn't do anything in particular, no. We were just there and to me, that's more than enough. We had lunch in Leicester Square, on the grass and we just spent a few hours laughing and having fun. Luckily, it was a sunny day, so hooray for good weather. And we made a promise to come back again, and soon. Hopefully, it'll actually happen.

&Third. My sister is coming to see me in two weeks. I can't tell you how much I need these couple of weeks to go by, gah. I miss her so much, dammit. I plan to take her to London every freaking day and she's gonna love it, too. That's the thing about best friends, they somehow love the same things you do. Or some of them, anyway. What else, what else. It's the middle of July already. Really? Time goes by so fast when you're enjoying life, it's true. And I wish you all could be as happy as I've been in the last three months. It's more of a lifestyle now, can't live without it.

As for me, well...I'll always have London ;)
&To end, a kinky rock song. Halestorm rock!

What, how, where, why.

That's exactly how I feel right now. A new week began today and I feel like I've been hit by a truck. This last weekend was absolutely mad and I'm not sure how much I'd like to repeat the experience. Between spending loads of money shopping on Saturday morning and partying like it was 1999 until Sunday morning...I think I may have aged ten or so years. I know I'm young and all, but seriously? How can some people do it every single weekend? I'm in awe, the bad kind. Maybe.

My Saturday date turned into a full blown Central London experience. Bar and club hopping till the early hours of morning, spicing it up with alcohol and the faint smell of weed. What, you say. Oh yes, people downtown London are insane. They don't care that drugs are illegal or that it's tacky to sit outside a pub and drink your sorrows (or not) away. I swear, I think everyone was out this weekend. When I got to Oxford Circus Saturday evening, a thousand people must've thought I was crazy. Because I was the only one staring like I'd never seen people before. So crowded, it felt like you couldn't even breathe properly. But oddly enough, it wasn't a bad feeling. It kinda made me happy deep down, because after all...this is what I've wanted all along. And well, London at night makes it all worth it.

So, to conclude. This weekend = fucking crazy. I met people who don't give a fuck if they spend too much (which uhm, yeah I like!), champagne was flying everywhere and just the feeling of being outside in what I think is the most amazing city in the world...No regrets. None, whatsoever.
Voila, my darlings. My alcohol binging - coke snorting - weed smoking - London sightseeing - club hopping Saturday night experience. You might have to guess which of those I did and which not. Cause yeah, not all my experiences, hah. Just a few things I got to witness, that's all.

Until next time. :)

I kinda like this song. And for some reason, after my date...it feels right.