Lady Gaga's Telephone video? Stupid. The song is nice, though.
I want to watch every season of The Tudors.
I can't wait for the new Harry Potter movie.
I realized my parents will never consider me a perfectly capable adult.
Also, people are never what they seem to be.
I listened to music until my ears hurt.
I want to stay awake 24 hours and do nothing but chat online.
I have to buy a bigger suitcase.
I'm leaving the country after Easter.
I'm spending said Easter here, on my own.
I miss him. And my friends.
I must get my medical record and school papers.
I have to make sure my passport is valid, though I'm still searching for it. (hah, the struggles of being disorganized)
Therapy session tomorrow.
New Gossip Girl episode tomorrow. (or at least I think)
I hope I can find a ticket for Legally Blonde, the musical in London. Duncan, Duncan, Duncan! :)
I started sorting through my clothes and things, I own too many, seriously.
Did I mention I miss people? Sigh.
I'm finally breaking away...
Song for the soul. As per usual.
March 21, 2010
March 16, 2010
Movie night.
Remember me...
I was in the mood for a sappy movie tonight and I picked Robert Pattinson's latest film, Remember Me. I was alone and I felt a bit awkward considering the cinema was filled with couples, but I got past that feeling as soon as the scenes started rolling. The movie is...well, it's not a brilliant movie. Average at best, with a predictable ending and mediocre acting. Pattinson played the same introverted late adolescent, tormented by family issues and Emilie de Ravin was the perfectly disturbed blonde, hiding an awful childhood secret. The action takes place in 2001 and it shows a not so heartbreaking love story with an ending that will make you want to cry, even with its predictability. I wouldn't strongly recommend it, though if you want a nice way to spend two hours, it's a good choice. Plus, romance is always a great subject, especially one that ends painfully.
Or maybe I'm just a masochist, hah.
My life plans are still fuzzy and weird, but I'm taking each day at the time, just tasting it, like I've been advised. My London life will start most likely this spring/summer, since the only thing keeping me here is my therapy. Otherwise, I've started to think about where to go, where to stay and what to do, packing and making sure I have everything I need to leave. It's certainly going to be the adventure of a lifetime.
Inspirational song! Enjoy.
March 14, 2010
First day of the rest of my life.
If today was your last day,
Tomorrow was too late, could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Could you?
Sigh. This weekend was too eventful for my taste. After one long Friday evening spent arguing with my dad about school, life and my mental state I finally managed to break free. Two months of therapy and I actually told my dad that I'm going to do my own thing from now on. I must say I didn't expect this to happen so soon, but nevertheless I'm glad it did.
Consequences? No more money, no more going home and...basically, that's it. Looking for a job, dropping out of that stupid school I hate, maybe leaving the country sooner than I had planned, possibly after Easter, who knows. Right now, I'm completely exhilarated by the fact that I don't have to go home every weekend and report to my parents. I thought it was going to feel bad, since I literally have no support right now. But nope, it feels like I could climb mount Everest, if I wanted to. Refreshing.
:)
Tomorrow was too late, could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Could you?
Sigh. This weekend was too eventful for my taste. After one long Friday evening spent arguing with my dad about school, life and my mental state I finally managed to break free. Two months of therapy and I actually told my dad that I'm going to do my own thing from now on. I must say I didn't expect this to happen so soon, but nevertheless I'm glad it did.
Consequences? No more money, no more going home and...basically, that's it. Looking for a job, dropping out of that stupid school I hate, maybe leaving the country sooner than I had planned, possibly after Easter, who knows. Right now, I'm completely exhilarated by the fact that I don't have to go home every weekend and report to my parents. I thought it was going to feel bad, since I literally have no support right now. But nope, it feels like I could climb mount Everest, if I wanted to. Refreshing.
:)
March 09, 2010
Kill me now.
Silence is golden.
I've been told by many people that it's useful to shut up, every once in a while. Kind of hard to achieve, considering I'm all about talking, communicating...
I had a revelation early this week. I can't possibly know what I want from my life, since I don't know who I am anymore. I spent so much time trying to disguise myself, that I don't know which one of my many faces is the real one, the one that matters. So instead of chasing my future, I'm now determined to chase my true self, even though I laugh at it. Life gets only harder, it seems.
On a more positive note. I watched The Secret and I have to give many thanks to my wonderful friend, Alina, since it was her suggestion. A documentary that definitely put a smile on my face and gave me a lot of stuff to think about, good things and how one can achieve them. Certainly a breath of fresh air.
What else, what else.
Oh yes. Alice in Wonderland, 3D, Tim Burton version. IMAX and 3D = definitely worth it. It'll blow your mind away, and might leave you with a tiny headache, but still an amazing addition to the industry. The movie in itself? I wanted to love it, but I don't. It's a Tim Burton classic and on that note, it delivers. It's fast-paced, brilliantly designed and Johnny Depp plays the Mad Hatter part like it was designed for him. And mind you, I don't actually like Johnny, but in this film he surprised me. I do recommend it, it's a nice version of the famous book and it sort of picks up the story from an older version, the one with Tina Majorino from 1999. So yeah, go see it. If anything, the 3D glasses will amuse you for a short while. And if you're into the whole Alice thing? Syfy released an awesome 2 episode series, called simply 'Alice'. It's on DVD now and I strongly recommend it to anyone who wants to see a more modern replay of the same old story.
So much babble. Lee Ryan is finally releasing a new single, called 'Secret Love'. And if you know me, then you'll know I'm jumping for joy. London is definitely calling my name. Ta ta.
I'm not a The Rasmus fan, but this song makes my heart melt, just saying.
I've been told by many people that it's useful to shut up, every once in a while. Kind of hard to achieve, considering I'm all about talking, communicating...
I had a revelation early this week. I can't possibly know what I want from my life, since I don't know who I am anymore. I spent so much time trying to disguise myself, that I don't know which one of my many faces is the real one, the one that matters. So instead of chasing my future, I'm now determined to chase my true self, even though I laugh at it. Life gets only harder, it seems.
On a more positive note. I watched The Secret and I have to give many thanks to my wonderful friend, Alina, since it was her suggestion. A documentary that definitely put a smile on my face and gave me a lot of stuff to think about, good things and how one can achieve them. Certainly a breath of fresh air.
What else, what else.
Oh yes. Alice in Wonderland, 3D, Tim Burton version. IMAX and 3D = definitely worth it. It'll blow your mind away, and might leave you with a tiny headache, but still an amazing addition to the industry. The movie in itself? I wanted to love it, but I don't. It's a Tim Burton classic and on that note, it delivers. It's fast-paced, brilliantly designed and Johnny Depp plays the Mad Hatter part like it was designed for him. And mind you, I don't actually like Johnny, but in this film he surprised me. I do recommend it, it's a nice version of the famous book and it sort of picks up the story from an older version, the one with Tina Majorino from 1999. So yeah, go see it. If anything, the 3D glasses will amuse you for a short while. And if you're into the whole Alice thing? Syfy released an awesome 2 episode series, called simply 'Alice'. It's on DVD now and I strongly recommend it to anyone who wants to see a more modern replay of the same old story.
So much babble. Lee Ryan is finally releasing a new single, called 'Secret Love'. And if you know me, then you'll know I'm jumping for joy. London is definitely calling my name. Ta ta.
I'm not a The Rasmus fan, but this song makes my heart melt, just saying.
March 03, 2010
Fairytale.
What are movies made of?
Real life. Real, raw feelings brought to screen in an attempt to make us feel better for a little while.
Why?
When life is so much like a movie, why do we go to the cinemas to stare at life? This is what I thought about today.
Because...Sigh. I want my life to feel like a fairytale, from the butterflies in my stomach to my oh-so-wanted happy ending. I want a love so powerful that it can take my breath away and leave me speechless while I gaze into someone's eyes. That feeling of completion that we so often see on screen, but so rarely in real life. Something that consumes me entirely and yet, gives me plenty of energy to live another amazing day. Something that contradicts my whole being and at the same time agrees with everything that I am.
Flowers blossoming, a soft breeze, a quiet, colorful sunset...Lips brushing against my skin, bringing me to life.
Whatever happened to that? I used to have it, feel it, breathe it. Used to.
Time is unforgiving, with everything and everyone.
And here I stand, wanting a love that can last forever and a day. Or three days after forever. Either way...
Can you meet me halfway?
March 02, 2010
I'm stupid.
Definitely.
I hate lies. I hate liars more than I hate lies.
I don't need to be lied, I can take the hard, cold truth. I'm not going to cry and act like a five year old, stomping my feet because I didn't get my new toy. I'm not going to beg for a better outcome or for a nicer treatment. No.
And if there's one true thing? Lies are always discovered. I don't have to look too hard into the matter, somehow I always end up knowing the truth and it hurts more than if you would have told me yourself.
I feel stupid, small, useless, suffocated, unimportant, random, unacknowledged.
I hate lies more than I hate this stupid world. More than I hate it when I have to pretend I'm okay. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
And I hate myself for letting you get away with it every single time. Because I can forgive and forget, but you can't. How unfair. Who the hell lied to me and told me life was fair?
Just lies.
That's all there is.
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend...
I hate lies. I hate liars more than I hate lies.
I don't need to be lied, I can take the hard, cold truth. I'm not going to cry and act like a five year old, stomping my feet because I didn't get my new toy. I'm not going to beg for a better outcome or for a nicer treatment. No.
And if there's one true thing? Lies are always discovered. I don't have to look too hard into the matter, somehow I always end up knowing the truth and it hurts more than if you would have told me yourself.
I feel stupid, small, useless, suffocated, unimportant, random, unacknowledged.
I hate lies more than I hate this stupid world. More than I hate it when I have to pretend I'm okay. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
And I hate myself for letting you get away with it every single time. Because I can forgive and forget, but you can't. How unfair. Who the hell lied to me and told me life was fair?
Just lies.
That's all there is.
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend...
Easy way out?
I finally saw Valentine's Day, and it's such a cute movie. Very hopeful and bright, like...it's like the screen is whispering that life can get better. Definitely not something I haven't seen before, since it's a classic romantic film, but one of the best I've seen in a long while. I laughed, I cried and the soundtrack is unbelievably amazing. I thought I was going to hate it, since it was all about love, two entire hours, but I was so wrong. Must see, regardless of your relationship status.
I also saw The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus and this movie surprised me. I was expecting only fantasy and while it did deliver on that part, quite brilliantly, it also gave me that weird feeling that this world is definitely ruled by higher powers. And I was never one to believe in such things, so I was in complete awe by the time the movie was over. I don't recommend it unless you're ready to accept that there are things in life you cannot understand and you don't even try. It's a good film, though. A bit odd at first, but if you look deep into the essence, it'll get better. And it has awesome cast: Johnny Depp, Jude Law, Colin Farell and the late Heath Ledger.
What else.
I started this week in a strange way and while it has happened to me before, I always end up saying it won't ever happen again. What is it with us people that we need to walk on the same paths even though we know they're only going to take us in all the wrong places? My therapy session was a bit dramatic, considering I'm not actually doing something. And that is frustrating, duh. Every time I leave that office, I feel like I'm ready to conquer the world and then...well, I end up making the wrong choices, all over again. It's pretty sad, actually.
I'm so tired of feeling conflicted. I miss those days when I could wake up and breathe easy, knowing it was going to be a good day. That I didn't have to think over and over again about the future, life, what, where, when, why. No more questions, no more answers. No more having to lie through my teeth and pretend I'm okay. I'm not okay, but no one can accept it and deal with it. So, I pretend.
I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.
I also saw The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus and this movie surprised me. I was expecting only fantasy and while it did deliver on that part, quite brilliantly, it also gave me that weird feeling that this world is definitely ruled by higher powers. And I was never one to believe in such things, so I was in complete awe by the time the movie was over. I don't recommend it unless you're ready to accept that there are things in life you cannot understand and you don't even try. It's a good film, though. A bit odd at first, but if you look deep into the essence, it'll get better. And it has awesome cast: Johnny Depp, Jude Law, Colin Farell and the late Heath Ledger.
What else.
I started this week in a strange way and while it has happened to me before, I always end up saying it won't ever happen again. What is it with us people that we need to walk on the same paths even though we know they're only going to take us in all the wrong places? My therapy session was a bit dramatic, considering I'm not actually doing something. And that is frustrating, duh. Every time I leave that office, I feel like I'm ready to conquer the world and then...well, I end up making the wrong choices, all over again. It's pretty sad, actually.
I'm so tired of feeling conflicted. I miss those days when I could wake up and breathe easy, knowing it was going to be a good day. That I didn't have to think over and over again about the future, life, what, where, when, why. No more questions, no more answers. No more having to lie through my teeth and pretend I'm okay. I'm not okay, but no one can accept it and deal with it. So, I pretend.
I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.
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