Kill me now.

Silence is golden.
I've been told by many people that it's useful to shut up, every once in a while. Kind of hard to achieve, considering I'm all about talking, communicating...

I had a revelation early this week. I can't possibly know what I want from my life, since I don't know who I am anymore. I spent so much time trying to disguise myself, that I don't know which one of my many faces is the real one, the one that matters. So instead of chasing my future, I'm now determined to chase my true self, even though I laugh at it. Life gets only harder, it seems.

On a more positive note. I watched The Secret and I have to give many thanks to my wonderful friend, Alina, since it was her suggestion. A documentary that definitely put a smile on my face and gave me a lot of stuff to think about, good things and how one can achieve them. Certainly a breath of fresh air.

What else, what else.
Oh yes. Alice in Wonderland, 3D, Tim Burton version. IMAX and 3D = definitely worth it. It'll blow your mind away, and might leave you with a tiny headache, but still an amazing addition to the industry. The movie in itself? I wanted to love it, but I don't. It's a Tim Burton classic and on that note, it delivers. It's fast-paced, brilliantly designed and Johnny Depp plays the Mad Hatter part like it was designed for him. And mind you, I don't actually like Johnny, but in this film he surprised me. I do recommend it, it's a nice version of the famous book and it sort of picks up the story from an older version, the one with Tina Majorino from 1999. So yeah, go see it. If anything, the 3D glasses will amuse you for a short while. And if you're into the whole Alice thing? Syfy released an awesome 2 episode series, called simply 'Alice'. It's on DVD now and I strongly recommend it to anyone who wants to see a more modern replay of the same old story.

So much babble. Lee Ryan is finally releasing a new single, called 'Secret Love'. And if you know me, then you'll know I'm jumping for joy. London is definitely calling my name. Ta ta.



I'm not a The Rasmus fan, but this song makes my heart melt, just saying.

Fairytale.

What are movies made of?
Real life. Real, raw feelings brought to screen in an attempt to make us feel better for a little while.

Why?
When life is so much like a movie, why do we go to the cinemas to stare at life? This is what I thought about today.

Because...Sigh. I want my life to feel like a fairytale, from the butterflies in my stomach to my oh-so-wanted happy ending. I want a love so powerful that it can take my breath away and leave me speechless while I gaze into someone's eyes. That feeling of completion that we so often see on screen, but so rarely in real life. Something that consumes me entirely and yet, gives me plenty of energy to live another amazing day. Something that contradicts my whole being and at the same time agrees with everything that I am.

Flowers blossoming, a soft breeze, a quiet, colorful sunset...Lips brushing against my skin, bringing me to life.

Whatever happened to that? I used to have it, feel it, breathe it. Used to.
Time is unforgiving, with everything and everyone.
And here I stand, wanting a love that can last forever and a day. Or three days after forever. Either way...

Can you meet me halfway?

I'm stupid.

Definitely.
I hate lies. I hate liars more than I hate lies.
I don't need to be lied, I can take the hard, cold truth. I'm not going to cry and act like a five year old, stomping my feet because I didn't get my new toy. I'm not going to beg for a better outcome or for a nicer treatment. No.
And if there's one true thing? Lies are always discovered. I don't have to look too hard into the matter, somehow I always end up knowing the truth and it hurts more than if you would have told me yourself.

I feel stupid, small, useless, suffocated, unimportant, random, unacknowledged.


I hate lies more than I hate this stupid world. More than I hate it when I have to pretend I'm okay. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

And I hate myself for letting you get away with it every single time. Because I can forgive and forget, but you can't. How unfair. Who the hell lied to me and told me life was fair?

Just lies.
That's all there is.



I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend...

Easy way out?

I finally saw Valentine's Day, and it's such a cute movie. Very hopeful and bright, like...it's like the screen is whispering that life can get better. Definitely not something I haven't seen before, since it's a classic romantic film, but one of the best I've seen in a long while. I laughed, I cried and the soundtrack is unbelievably amazing. I thought I was going to hate it, since it was all about love, two entire hours, but I was so wrong. Must see, regardless of your relationship status.

I also saw The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus and this movie surprised me. I was expecting only fantasy and while it did deliver on that part, quite brilliantly, it also gave me that weird feeling that this world is definitely ruled by higher powers. And I was never one to believe in such things, so I was in complete awe by the time the movie was over. I don't recommend it unless you're ready to accept that there are things in life you cannot understand and you don't even try. It's a good film, though. A bit odd at first, but if you look deep into the essence, it'll get better. And it has awesome cast: Johnny Depp, Jude Law, Colin Farell and the late Heath Ledger.

What else.
I started this week in a strange way and while it has happened to me before, I always end up saying it won't ever happen again. What is it with us people that we need to walk on the same paths even though we know they're only going to take us in all the wrong places? My therapy session was a bit dramatic, considering I'm not actually doing something. And that is frustrating, duh. Every time I leave that office, I feel like I'm ready to conquer the world and then...well, I end up making the wrong choices, all over again. It's pretty sad, actually.

I'm so tired of feeling conflicted. I miss those days when I could wake up and breathe easy, knowing it was going to be a good day. That I didn't have to think over and over again about the future, life, what, where, when, why. No more questions, no more answers. No more having to lie through my teeth and pretend I'm okay. I'm not okay, but no one can accept it and deal with it. So, I pretend.

I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.

So yesterday.

I woke up feeling a bit sad today, even though technically I don't have a reason for that. Things could always be worse, no doubt. But there's this senseless feeling of regret overpowering me, every minute of every day. I could have done that, he could have said this and we could have all been a lot happier. So many what ifs that won't ever find a truthful answer. You can't turn back time, so you have to deal with your past in hopes of achieving the future you dream of. So much that sometimes we forget to live in the present...

How do you do that if you constantly stop to think about what happened yesterday? About what could have happened...and if maybe today would have been any different. Would I be different?

Tell me what you see.

You ain't seen the best of me
Give me time, I'll make you forget the rest...

My new obsession, the song from Fame. Every time it comes on shuffle it gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling.

But, I wanted to talk about something else. I've been feeling conflicted for a week now. Give or take a couple of days. Last week, I wondered what it would be like if I would just do one thing, something I had wanted to do for a few years now. And...I did. And my expectations were so high, it ended up completely disappointing me. I always thought it would be exactly as I had pictured it, but it was nowhere close to that. It failed me entirely, leaving me dumbfounded.

I thought it would change how I felt, and it did. Because now I appreciate what I have even more, as twisted as that is. And it is, for me. I'm just so surprised that I can't even believe it. And I kind of want to turn back time, because yet another disappointment was not what I needed right now.


And to end, a song. This song screams ME. So fucking much.

Breakaway.

Yesterday, I had a long talk with one of the few people I still talk to, a friend from high school. And at one point I asked why does he keep calling me, since I generally fail in calling back. His reply made me smile more than I wanted to, because I didn't expect it.

Because you're a genuinely true character, a real personality...

I know it's stupid to see yourself through other people's eyes, I know. But sometimes, we need to hear that others appreciate us, too. And for some reason ever since he told me that, I've been having this feeling of complete victory. That I really can do anything, because it doesn't matter if you fail or not, the important thing is to try.


Revelations, for the win.
This week I want to see Valentine's Day, with or without someone. I heard it's really cute and I really love Taylor Swift, so I'm seeing it.

And a nice song to end this short entry, dedicated to the one that doesn't read this blog. The one that haunts many entries of mine, hah.