Crucify me.

Ha! I'm so tired. But not in the physical way, and that's a first. I'm emotionally drained and I'm afraid my poker face won't hold for long. Not anymore. I have nine more weeks to go and I wish things would stop changing on me. I feel like everyone is so keen to take the rug from under my feet, they all want me to fall and to fail. And I'm scared it will happen. I really am...

I hate it when people change because of their status. I despise it and I wish you'd all stop doing it. Sometimes it happens so quickly, I stare in amazement and amusement. Other times, like now, it completely leaves me stunned. In a very bad way. But alas, I guess I just need to learn, yet again. Learn that I don't really belong amongst people, not these ones anyway. Or maybe I simply don't belong. Could be.

I also hate fakers. People who like to pretend or lie, and then turn around and do exactly the opposite. And I especially hate it when they do it just to be 'cool'. Fuck you, it's not cool to lie about who you are. Just be yourself and learn to deal with it. But either way, that's not something I can change. I'm just putting that out there, for all eternity. Or you know, until blogspot/blogger dies.

And lastly. It's so much easier for me to be angry, than to admit I'm actually hurt. Sad, broken, hurt, alone. Lonely. And there's really no changing that. Because when I tried, I only made myself vulnerable and people ended up hurting me yet again. I'm so tired of that, too. What is this world I live in... Where people like to hurt others for the pure pleasure of it. I desperately want out, but I'm too big of a coward to take action. And that's another thing I'm scared of. One day, I won't be afraid anymore. Of anything.

I guess... I'm just a scared little girl. And there's no one to help me with that.


Unrelated to this post. I miss you so much, my soul's bleeding. Because you're the only one I really need. And this life is so unfair, it makes my heart ache with despair. My soulmate...