In retrospective.

I dreamed I stopped dreaming...

25 years went in a blink of an eye. I find myself living in a city I once adored, but now simply see as 'home'. It's true what they say, we get comfortable with the things we have and take them for granted. I often wonder if I would long for London should I move elsewhere. I probably would. Or maybe I would learn to call some other land home, leaving this wonderful city behind, with all its glory and history and culture. Forgotten names, forgotten faces... But the memories would always follow me.

I've fallen out with just about everyone in my life since I moved here. Seems that I boarded a fast train to wherever life is meant to take me, while everyone else is enjoying a ride I can't be a part of. I've lost my ticket when I decided that my dreams and goals were far more important than all the effort it takes to entertain certain social interactions. Friendships aren't meant to be this hard. They aren't made to break you and cause you stress over and over again. And I guess I learnt to let go when it gets too tough, for I have no energy to waste on people. For the same reason, I suppose, I've avoided romantic relationships up until now. It's hard to find someone who can understand my need and desire to get somewhere and the fact that I am willing to sacrifice mostly everything for it. I still struggle with it sometimes, although things are pretty much amazing right now. Occasionally though, I find myself screaming at the top of my voice. Some things make sense, while others are completely devoid of anything remotely sane.

I do long for human interaction, sadly. Like my mum used to say to me, ages ago, when I was merely a teenager fresh off my secondary school's desks, 'people can't live alone'. It gets lonely at the top, she'd add. I'm mostly okay when in the outside world, for whatever's worth. I'm really okay when I get to spend time with her, for she genuinely makes me happy. Happier than I've been in a really long time. I'm still okay when I'm left to my own devices and I get to do my thing, without anyone thinking I'm a weirdo. And then there comes a time when I'm just not okay anymore. Like now. On the eve of my 25th birthday, I'm having a little moment. Nothing is fine, everything is wrong and broken, people are annoying, I am annoying. Everything just isn't right, and it is at the same time. I fear I'm on my way to getting everything I wanted and for whatever reason, I want to leave it all behind and run away. Life is confusing, yes. Especially when one tries so hard to find faults in a plan that seems to be working. As best as a laid out plan can work, at the very least.

25 years, gone. The last three have been most rewarding, although filled with a lot of hard times, hard work and everything in between. I'm most grateful to everyone that came and went, for they all shaped up what I always believed in. I'm not one for clinging onto people. I don't get attached, I'm cold and heartless, socially awkward and always goal oriented. People always leave, anyway. I'll stick to going places and seeing things, even if it means getting there on my own. And I'll kill this nostalgic sadness, for I don't want it to bring me down. After everything that happened in the past, it's safe to say people have always managed to disappoint me. And I'm sure I've disappointed them, too.

And that's just a-okay. I'm keeping the memories.